My Journey, My Voice, My choice!

Depression

2007-04-15T17:47:00.000-12:00

Depression is the worst of all sadness. You are hurt so bad that you stop eating, sleeping, hanging out with friends and sometimes even turn to suicide. Your worst nightmare came true and you can't find a way out.

She's Sorry

2007-03-18T12:51:00.000-12:00

She sits, confused and hurt, this time though; she has only one person to blame. This one person is the reason she sits alone, the reason she sits scared, the reason she has lost all those she loves. This person, so close to her, in fact herself, she is the reason she is all alone, the reason she sits in her own hell right now, the reason she sits lonely, scared, confused and angry.
Why lonely? Because she has hurt so many people with everything she has done, her stupid mistakes, be them big or small, have hurt those she loved the MOST!
Why scared? Because she doesn’t trust herself to be alone, however she also doesn’t trust herself to be around people. She doesn’t want to be alone as she doesn’t know what she may do, but then people around her scare her as she is afraid to hurt the few people that still care… catch 22.
Confused… simply because she doesn’t understand why she made these stupid mistakes, she knew they would hurt and yet she still did them, now not only those she loves but herself as well are left hurting.
Angry, at herself, for being such an idiot, for hurting those who did so much for her, for hurting those she loves so much…for ######## up the one last thing she had, for ruining the last hope of happiness she had.

Most of all she is sorry, she is sorry for hurting those who she loves the most, for pushing away the few people who actually wanted to help her, she is sorry that she messed up so bad. She knows, however that sorry wont cut it, she knows that a simple word won’t fix this; she doesn’t know if anything will…
If she could take it all back then she would, if she could turn back time she would, if she could do anything she would, she would die for these people if it would make a single difference… unfortunately, it wont. She doesn’t know what will help; she does know that she will do ANYTHING. She also knows that she is so sorry for those who are hurting because of her mistakes, she wants them to know that she will always love them whether they love her or not…

Dont forget!

2007-02-28T13:33:00.000-12:00

Just a message!
Life is too short so...
-Laugh as often as posisble
-DO not avoid photo's
- Hug as many people as you can!
- Dont sleep on anger!
and lastly? Love everyone as though its their last day simply because, it may just be!
Get to know people, do not judge and
"love the lord your god with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul!"

How fast?

2007-02-18T10:24:00.000-12:00

My title? How fast, what am i referring to? I'm talking about life, how fast it can quickly change, in one single minute, our lives can change so much, our lives can be over before you even have a chance to say "why"

I guess why i am saying this is, that i have had my life change numerous times, from bad to worse, then... everything looked up, and again... its getting bad, but that's not the point...

I was on the phone yesterday, my close friend told me she feared her life so she was walking away from church and God, that just put me into tears! I mean, when i feared for my like i turned to God and church and those within the church, thus the reason i am still alive!

My point? Trust in God, through the good, the bad, the fun and the scary times...
i know your thinking "that's not as easy as it seems" Trust me when i say that I KNOW! But... i also know that it seems hard to trust god, it is hard, but you know whats harder? Not trusting god!

Seriously, in September, when my life just went "Blah", i wouldn't trust god, i trusted people, but not god... (BTW: God was using those people i trusted) I wouldn't listen to everyone, everyone told me that god was there, he wouldn't leave, he wanted to help all i had to do was let him, and i just couldn't do it, and honestly, its was only last night that i truly realized that god has ALWAYS been there, he NEVER left and he never will...

So this post, its not aimed at anyone in particular, its just a note to remember:
"In a moment, everything can change" I'm not saying your life is gonna change in a negative way, I'm just asking you, if it does, who will you rely on? Will you turn to god? Will you turn to his faithful servants? Or... will you walk away?
I suggest that you trust him and his faithful servants, its what im gonna do!

Something i wrote

2007-01-24T12:35:00.000-12:00

Something i wrote early this morning, not sure but i think that it is very true to my emotions at the moment, its not sugar coated, its not exaggerated, its just honest...

"Heal a broken heart"
My path is so unclear
What does my future hold?
Should I give into fear?
Or should I stand strong and bold?

I’ve prayed a thousand times
Yet no response I hear
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Is god even here?

I wish I knew what to do
With this life I live
Just a tiny clue
Of what I have left to give!

I’m about to let go
Leave it all behind
Everything I know
Any peace of mind

I’m scared of what’s to come
What I’ll have to face
If im gonna run
Or give up on this race

I’m praying for a light
To shine right through the dark
To help me fight this fight
To heal my broken heart

Quote

2007-01-22T18:59:00.000-12:00

"sometimes the test of courage is not to die... but to live?"

Just a quote i found...
Nothing else to say!

Random thoughts

2007-01-17T15:10:00.000-12:00

Ever just felt like you didnt belong?
Anywhere?
Lik eyou've tried so hard to fit in, not popularity wise but.... ah i dunno how to say it?

Well, im terrified... im about to start a new school, i have started a new church n i feel like its a whole new life...
Am i ready to live that life?

When i say belong, i mean loved... like, to feel wanted by those who surround you, to feel like if you left you would be missed...?
I know that God loves me, i know that i can never change that, there is nothing i can do or say that will change that, yet still... i feel so tested, as though im walking on VERY thin ice, does that make any sense? It did in my head!

Blessings

2007-01-13T15:44:00.000-12:00

"So often we ask god to bless what we are doing...perhaps, we should be doing what god is blessing???"
A quote from ringwood Salvo's this morning-(my official new church-how exciting!).

So, what exactly do we mean when we ask god to bless something or someone? I mean... We arent just asking him something small, his blessings are HUGE, so is it just a formality now? Is a blessing just something to say or something to fill in a silence during prayer? Do we truely want god to bless us, or are we just following a simple formality that we have grown so accustomed to?
That scares me... honeslty i dont usually pray for a blessing, more guidance or a sign, but there are occasions when i ask god to bless me, those around me or a specific event. I know that when i ask god to bless something, i beleive that he will, i trust that his love will touch those around me, nd myself.

But... to ask for blessing we have to know what a blessing is right?
Well the dictionary says that a blessing is:
"To request of God the bestowal of divine favor on someone or something"
I'm not sure that i would use the word 'favor' but... i quite like that definition... what do you think?

I'm not really sure what i had to say about blessings, its kinda slipped out of my brain, but even still... what do you think about blessings and the question of whether or not some use these words as a fill in or just say them as a formality...?
Hmmmm

Just quickly, at the moment i am facing a few decisions, life changing ones, and honestly i am not to sure what to do... I have been praying for quite some time that a clear path would be shown... hasnt been shown, or if it has i am too blind to see it, so if possible could you please just pray...

Saying good-bye

2007-01-02T16:35:00.000-12:00

Saying good-bye is the hardest thing to do, even when you know its for the best, i have had to do that three times lately, and even though i know its for the best it also cuts so deep. Firstly i said good-bye to greensy salvo's when i moved away, then to Liam and Melissa when they left and today, the hardest thing i have EVER had to do, i said good-bye to my nan. She dies 2 days after christmas, and today she was burried, i guarentee you i will never ever forget her coffin being lowered into the hole...

I know that saying bye to all these people is the best thing, i mean i moved because i had a house and family in Wantirna, Liam and Melissa left to do great work for god in footscray, and my nan, while it kills me to say it, she is better off now, she is no longer in pain and she is reunited with her husband and will spend eternity with her lord and saviour, but... why do i always have 2 say goodbye?

Disturbing thoughts.

2006-12-24T10:32:00.000-12:00

So...long time no post?
Well, what i have to say is kinda disturbing.
The other day (thursday) alana and I were at the salvo's stall in greensy, we were there from 3-6 (LONG-however congratulations on nomes for her effort! Read her blog)
but the thing that made me want to cry, within the first half an hour, we hadnty had many donations (not the point) the point was, that so many people look down on children, "children should be seen and not heard???" Well, those children, the ones that many look down on are the first who tug their parents arms to give to us...
This one boy, he looked maybe 10-12, he asked his mother, she said no, so instead he pulled out his own walllet and gave us his pocket money saying "It's soooo worth it" I mean, i wanted to hug the boy! But... what is our world coming to? Our children, who we look down upon are those who are donating? Those who are caring that little bit more? How does that work?

Next: The one that scares me the most, You know how when people are collecting and you dont wanna give, so you put your head down and avoid eye contact? Well, I was collecting for 6 hours, and in that time i saw hundreds ignore me, i stood at the top of the escalators wishing a merry christmas, and you know what i noticed? Those who ignored me, those who even glared, grunted or muttered abuse under their breathe? They walk on by, wearing a christian cross around their necks? They walk on by???

I know, one of my girls, she's amazing, she can have little money of her own, but when we are in the city, if she sees a man/woman who seems needy, homeless, hungry ect? Well, she will possibly walk by, however two minutes later... She says we have to go back! She cannot walk by!
Another mate, when walking around, I planeed to look at my feet and walk on by... but he doesnt, he stands there alking to this man, he doesnt offer him food, money (well he does, but thats not it) He offers this man God, the Salvo's, freedom! Its amazing!

Hmm... there was a point to thast but i forgot, plus im running out of time! Just quickly, i wanna say bye to Liam and Melissa, greensy will miss you, there have been times i was angry at you, but overall i know i will miss you! Oooh... to finish with:Riverside last night, christmas eve service, Andrew was preaching and he said to us:
"Jesus is not the reason for the season, YOU ARE"
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Keep your eyes on jesus and he will cary you through!

short post

2006-12-02T21:46:00.001-12:00

WOW! Thats all i can say...
God works in such mysterious ways...
WOW!

God's Challenge.

2006-11-19T12:01:00.000-12:00

Well, I recently read a blog about god challenging us… the question “what is god challenging you about?” Well, that has stuck in my head!
How is god challenging me? Well, there is everyday life which has mini challenges, but I am talking HUGE challenges! I mean life altering ones… well, my immediate reaction to that question was change… not that change is my challenge but my reaction to change is my challenge. In bible study Liam said this story/moral thingy.. I may get this wrong but this is what I remember:

“Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot and ground coffee beans in the third pot.
He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter, moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup. Turning to her, he asked:
"Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked.
He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-the boiling water. However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with a hard shell, making people believe it was tough, invincible, ect but really it was just soft and vulnerable inside. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which one are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us. Which one am I? Which one are you? When problems come (as they will) how will we react?
Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change into something worthwhile?”
Source:
"http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-bba8qCQibaO4gAsEqiyHyjs-?cq=1&p=6"

So that’s what was read out at bible study a few weeks ago, and now, I think about it, plus god challenge and I think, well, what am i? Am I accepting gods challenge and turning his change into something good? Or… am I just refusing everything, giving god a cold shoulder? How can I tell what’s god and what’s not? Hmm… so much to think about... what do you think? Let me know!

Be careful what you wish for?

2006-11-14T21:53:00.000-12:00

Ever wished for something so bad, and then gotten it, and then realised that really what you were wishing for is NOT what you wanted?

Wished you would get sick so you wouldnt hav eot go to school and gotten sick the friday night?
Wished it would rain so you culd get out of the gardening, and it pours wen your suposed to be going out?

Well, that's where i am now, i wished, i prayed so hard for something, and now I have it, its all mine, everything i was wishing for, only now, i dont want it, i wish i could take it all back! I wish i could go back in time and erase the last 8 weeks!

I dunno, i supose as the saying goes...
"be careful what you wish for!"

Random writing!

2006-11-07T18:15:00.001-12:00

I wrote this today, dunno why, just started writing after my english exam (which i did okay-ish in), this is what i came up with, what do you think?

She is scared, alone and miserable, she knows that the only one person cares, she knows that no-one else does, she is sitting in the corner wishing that someone were here, here to hug her, here to hold her, here to tell her she will be ok!

That some-one is almost here, lose. but not close enough, they are so close , just in the distance, she can see teir shadow, she can see the tiny ray of light they give off, she can just see them, they are hear to save her, they walk towards her, she struggles, she pulled through the pain, the anguish, she pulled through it all to be here, she pulled through all the trials she was given, she reaches out to them, they look at her, they look so utterly ashamed, so disappointed, so embarassed.
The hatred just pours out; they feel discraced by her, dishonoured by her, she looks at them, she is on her knees, her face is stained by tears, she cries out, one last cry, just before she dies, she cries out, she reaches out her hand, they look at her, the look of compassion: gone, they look at her, the look of love: GONE, they look at her, they see her desperation, they realise they are her only hope, and so...

The turn their backs and walk away! They crush her dying spirit...

3 realisations

2006-11-03T23:42:00.000-12:00

So... eva been in a situation where everything just goes wrong?
Well, that's been my week, i think that 2nite is the only time i have began 2 relex since tuesday arvo... HOWEVER... i think i have pulled muscles in my back, sprained my wrist and possibly broken my elbow... great huh?

So when everything goes absolutly wrong, the slightest thing canm seem magical? Like, a really small comment, a message when you didnt think it would come? I dunno, i just had a shocking week, like BAD... but i realised 3 things, and they are:

1. Things aren't always as they seem, good and bad...
2. If u ask 4 help wit 1 thing u can't expect help with another! (confusing i no)
3. Pain, both emotional and pysical can lead you to the right place, but can also lead u to the wrong thing...

I dunno...

Quote

2006-10-25T20:04:00.000-12:00

“if it makes no sense, it cant be real”
The final of house quoted this...

My question to this is: If it Is not real, is there a point? In which case, my life makes absolutely no sense, EVER, so then, that means it isn’t real and there is no point? Hmmm... its tricky!

Also: have u ever aid something, and then realised, that was the worst thing you have ever said? Well I did that, I didn’t believe what I said, and it isn’t true… and yet still I convinced myself I was right, even though honestly i was so wrong! ever done that?

Hmmm... life has so many questions that just cant be answered… IM SICK OF QUESTIONS

Gods plan

2006-10-16T22:46:00.000-12:00

Jeremiah 29:11:
“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Okay so, I am not sure where, if at all, somewhere it says that all our days are planned before they happen, each day is made before it happens right?

Okay so, many people believe that god loves us, he is our father, he will never forsake us, he loves us! Well, when I see a friend, some –one I love, when I see them hurting I want to do all I can to help them, everything in my “power” to help them, I got that way by trying to be Christ like, because jesus did all he could to help those who were suffering...

So then, why is it that, my days are planned before they happen, god knows what is going to happen, he plans my days, furthermore, why then, does he plan disasters? Why then, does he stand back and watch many people around me destroy me? Why then, does go sit up on his throne and watch as though it is a drama series on channel ten?

Why? Why does it seem as though gods word doesn’t add up, as I read it, as I understand it, God plans our days, he knows our days before they happen, he knows the pain we are about to feel and yet he does nothing to stop it? He sits and watches us hurt?

What the? Makes no sense, have i got it wrong? I spoke to someone about his today and she didn’t have the answer, do you?

She is...

2006-10-15T19:43:00.000-12:00

She is scared
She is lonely
She is confused
She is doubting
She is ashamed
& soon...
She is Dead?

Are you aware?

2006-10-08T13:04:00.000-12:00

“When you know a lot, you realize how little you know”

I was told this today as part of public speaking (EW)

Anyhow, well I think it can relate to A LOT of different things, but I relate it to, me, I know sounds very self centered, but at the moment I believe I have the right to be thinking about me…

So then, how can that relate to me? Well, I knew that where I was staying was not appropriate, I knew that something had to change, I knew that my VCE was struggling, I knew that My relationship with god was struggling, I knew A lot of things, and yet really I had no clue about much at all!

I had no idea how much I relied on my parents, I had no idea how easy I really had it, I had no idea how important the salvation army is to me and I had no idea how so many things can go wrong, I had no clue how fast things spread, I had no idea how many people think they are helping but really they are hindering… I had no clue, and there I sat day in day out thinking I knew all there was to know about my situation!

So then, are you like that? Are you actually aware of the situation you could be in, you could be causing? Are you aware of the extent that your actions can have? Are you sure you have thought enough about everyone involved, and what they might think of your decision? Lastly, Are you really aware of how much effect you can have? Do you believe that your actions are small? Maybe to you they are, but I can 100% guarantee you that your actions, while they are small to you can really affect other people, can have a really good, or really bad effect, so, I ask you…

Are YOU aware?

Hmmmmmm

2006-10-03T23:24:00.000-12:00

Maybe she is dying? Maybe deep down she is hurting, that maybe she was cracking, soon to be beyond repair?

This girl is far from happy, far from joyous, instead I see her as a dark, depressed, miserable and lonely girl, this is only recently since she began to feel completely rejected from her parents, she began to realize how alone she really is!

This girl is falling with no-one to catch her, this girl is surrounded by a thick mist, a mist she cant get through, a mist that is assisted by doubt, uncertainties, regret, hatred, lonliness, this girl is overwhelmed and hurt...

How can people beleive she is calm?

Which way?

2006-10-02T14:14:00.000-12:00

Just a thought...
Love/Hate
Life/Death
Jesus/Satan

which way? Who knows?

Why?

2006-09-29T16:49:00.000-12:00

Why? Why is it me who is suffering so bad? Who's suffering so much pain? Did i do something wrong to deserve this? If so, can someone let me know, because i am willing to do ANYTHING to get rid of this blasted curse! I'm tired of everything sucking so bad!

Everyone is telling me that i'll overcome this, its not forever, it'll pass...but do they really know what there is to overcome? Can they really see whats going on in my broke, chewed up and stomped on heart? can they actually comprehend just how bad i really feel? I dunno...

I guess i;m just tired of having to fight so hard to be happy, iwish it were just that little bit easier to smile (and mean it!) I'm tired of frowning and i am SOOO over tears but is there really another way out??

Is there?

What to feel?

2006-09-24T13:01:00.000-12:00

Petrified, releived, scared, confused, astonished, grateful, anxious, angry? The list just goes on...these are all the feelings that i have had inside me since wednesday night!

Have you ever had something happen and you kinda dont know whether to laugh or whether to cry? Well, i have cried, ALOT! I can't say that i have actually 'laughed' about it, but still... I have a HUGE feeling of releif, as though a major burden has been lifted off of me, No longer do i have to deal with that issue anymore! (btw: It was my main issue) But then...by removing THAT issue, another lot arise, and while they seem easier to deal with, if they arent dealth with then, the reprocussions could be disasterous!!!!!

So now i am kind of mixed up, i dont know whether i am happy that this situation has occured or whether i am devestated and wish i could go back in time...?

I dunno, I think that for the first, (well no, not the first time, but the most important...? I dunno) time that i need to feel god, i NEED his guidance, i NEED his light to shine on my dark, dark path, but it seems as though when i need him most he has turned his back...? Is it me? Am i pushing him away? If i am, how can i pull down this barrier? I cant seem to get on top of it to push it down:(

I guess i just feel completely powerless, i have tried everything and now i am living the effects of nothing happening, i dunno, it seems somewhat ironic, I had someone pray for me on wednesday night, a specific thing, and yet, the exact opposite happeneD? Is this gods plan? Does he have a reason behind his misterious ways? If so.... why do his lessons have to hurt so much? I dunno, i think i will leave it at that, i dunno i guess i am just SO (emphasis on the SO) sick of all these unanswered quesions! grr...

No-one sees

2006-09-18T23:44:00.000-12:00

***Before u read this, you MUST know that, while there is some truth behind it, this is Extreme, and way exaggerated, so DONT STRESS! seriously...
Also...if u dont like dark depresisng stuff u prob shouldnt read this... Yh so...You've been warned, and told to NOT BELEIVE THIS ACURATLY - ITS EXTREME!"

Okay, so...i posted the first half of this a couple of weeks ago, and my second section of the outcome was to write "why is she in that room?" And well, i was in footscray for the last two days, i will post about that later, anyhows, i sat there after watching indoor soccer, and i just wrote, i didnt know what i was really writing, there was no purpose, but then...i came up with this...and i figured i could use it for my essay!

No-one sees the truth; no-one sees the fear, the pain, and the anguish. No-one sees, why? Because no-one is looking hard enough, no-one wants to see so they pretend that they cannot see her dying. Why? Why is this girl in so much pain? Why is she being tormented and hurt so badly? She believes it to be her fault, who else could be to blame? She believes it, but really is it her fault? Does she honestly deserve to feel so low?

She has done nothing wrong; she doesn’t deserve to hate life so much. She has been praying, no, begging, wishing, anything to be rid of this torture, to overcome this hell. She doesn’t want to cut, she doesn’t want to bleed, but… she sees no way out. No-one is looking at all, no-one really gives a damn about how she is…they say that they care but it’s obvious that they don’t! They couldn’t possibly, if they did then they would open their eyes and begin to notice how broken she is, how desperate she really is, desperate for love, not a spouse, but a friend, an honest friend, someone who will hug her when she cries, someone who will wipe away her tears, someone to say a prayer, someone to help her out of this hell she calls life.

So… why does she not smile? Why does she hide the truth? Why is she pretending to be something that she is not? Why? Because she has learnt, she has learnt that no-one cares, that there is no point in relying on others, they just walk in and out of her life; she is used to people leaving her life. She knows the truth. Now, and as she sees that! She cries out, she wants to change the truth, she longs to be held, to be embraced by some-one real, to be hugged when she cries, for someone to wipe away the tears, for some-one to actually care about her and how she feels!

She’s tired of feeling so alone, she’s tired of no-one seeing through her act, she tries to show them, every time she cries, every time she spills to someone, she tries to show them, but continually these people somehow convince themselves that she is okay. The must be so naïve to sincerely believe that she is fine, to honestly not see the signs, although, maybe they do see the signs, maybe they just ignore them, maybe they just couldn’t be bothered? So…who are they?

Every week, every time she sees them:
“How are you?” she always answers the same, “I’m fine, and you?” And the conversation continues onwards about nothing important, and yet, in her mind she screams out…
“IM NOT OKAY!” However, it’s only in her mind, no-one hears the truth; they think that they do. They are those who believe they know her, those who believe that she is fine. They are those who call themselves her friends, family, leaders’ even just acquaintances, those who are standing there watching her slowly die in pain, and those who stand there watching and do absolutely nothing.

They are those who cannot see through her games, who cannot see just how close to death she is, not physically, maybe just emotionally, or maybe, it is physically, would they even know the difference? They are those who continually ask how she is, but never actually listen closely to the answer, they only hear what they want to hear, they don’t hear her tone, and they certainly don’t see the look of disappointment as another person turns their back on her, they cant see that again, they just tore her heart in half!
She has had her mask on for so long; even she is unable to remove it! She has hidden the truth for so long! She is skilled at hiding now, her sweet smile, her laughing fit, her funny joke, its all fake! The chance of her showing her real feelings is not high! She has learnt not to, she has learnt to no longer trust anyone! She is getting used to being alone, to crying herself to sleep every night!

Do you think anyone can see how low she has sunken? Can anyone see the scars? Does anyone realize that the little food she eats ends up in the toilet? Can anyone even tell she is bleeding, inside and out, do they see the cuts on her wrists? Do they see the bruises? NO! They don’t, why? Because she is so skilled at hiding them! She has been doing this for so long, long enough to develop skills to hide them! No-one can see through her mask! She is always hiding her true feelings behind a smile and No one seems to be able to see through, maybe they do? Maybe they just don’t care! Who knows? She doesn’t!

She isn’t sure of who to turn to, of who to trust, who actually cares, the only thing that she is sure of is who doesn’t care, who not to turn to, she knows that her mother doesn’t care, her sister doesn’t, her brother doesn’t and her dad? Well where is he? he had the courage to take his own life, she however, doesn’t, maybe it isn’t strength, maybe it’s just her belief, her hopes and dreams that are slowly falling, she used to believe that she would be able to escape this place, that she would find some-one who loves her, find some-one who cares, she is starting to realize that, that person doesn’t exist, that place, that love, it doesn’t exist! She is slowly gaining that strength, that courage, before she couldn’t cut, she couldn’t fast and she certainly couldn’t bring herself to throw up anything, it was all way to disgusting and immoral, but now… now she doesn’t care, she is cutting all the time, and food is never an option, she knows what to say, she doesn’t feel well, she ate before she came, she isn’t hungry. She isn’t eating, she isn’t sleeping and she is cutting often! Why? Because no one cares…

How does she know that no one cares? Because she is told daily, by those who are meant to protect her from harm, the same hand that embraces her is the same that makes her cry. She is told daily, by her family, her friends, even strangers are telling her how unworthy she is, how much of a failure she is… Can no one see how they are killing this girl? Can no-one see the path she’s walking? The path of self destruction? Can they not see how low she has sunk? So low that nothing will ever reach her, nothing can save her? This girl, she is so close, maybe months, maybe weeks, maybe even just days away from loosing all sense of herself!

Soon, who knows how soon, this will all be useless, all be too late, this poor, lonely and ashamed girl will be gone, gone forever, and only then will anyone see realize just how far away she’s drifting, how much she cant cope, just how broken she really is…

She’s broken, confused, ashamed and miserable, but worst of all she is all ALONE!

What do you think? Does it work??

Blown around!

2006-09-15T13:18:00.000-12:00

Okay so, you have all seem the plastic bag been blown around and tossed around by wind- right?

Well, i saw that last night and came to a sudden realisation, regarding an analogy:)

Well, lately i have felt like the plastic bag, having no control over my dirction, just being thrown and tossed around, nothin i can do untill the wind calms down....Well, to me it would seem as though i am the plastic bag and the wind is my life, everytime it calms down just enough for me to put my feet on the ground, another wind starts up, another thing happens, i cannot escape the wind! i cannot escape life!

I'm tired of being blown around by the wind, yet i have NO control over the wind...??? What am i suposed 2 do???

Who am I?

2006-09-12T15:05:00.000-12:00

Who am I?
A question that neither I, nor anyone else I think can answer!

I no longer know who I am, I mean, not literally as I know I am Talia Jayde, I am 16, ect... but no longer do I understand anything!

I do not know the point, I do not know why I am here, why I am supposed to care? What am I supposed to care about? Is there anything? Well, of course you think that there HAS to be something, because that’s what you see...

I dunno, I guess, as I see it, the answers seem so basic from the outside, yet from the inside, the answer ISNT so simple, and I am not just talking about one thing... I dunno, I guess I knew who I was, now I am not so sure!

Who am I?

Always alone

2006-09-10T11:33:00.000-12:00

Crying, hurting...ALWAYS alone!
Confused, ashamed...ALWAYS alone!
Broken, miserable...ALWAYS alone!
Living, dying...ALWAYS alone

No matter what, I'm Always alone!

WEIRD!

2006-09-09T20:36:00.000-12:00

So, youth group was weird!

I haven’t been to a youth group without James, and well, I DON’T like it, not one bit, it was so empty, yet there were people there, lots! Like: about 10... (Yeah that’s lots more than I expected!)

I dunno, the atmosphere was as usual, just quieter, it just seemed empty, I dunno, it’s kinda hard to explain, maybe it was just me, well, I guess it kinda sunk in this weekend, before I was just angry, like REALLY angry, and that’s not saying I am not still angry, I guess it just sunk in that James, and most likely Saz won’t be coming anymore! Like, no 4:08, no bible study, nothing! It is so empty, and yeah, I enjoyed youth group, it was weird, but fun-ish! I dunno, I guess it’s just kinda really starting to sink in for me, as in, before this weekend I admit I hadn’t cried: only yelled and cursed (I know I shouldn’t!), but this weekend, on Saturday night, when I suddenly came to the realisation, now i cant stop! I dunno I guess I am just realizing that the two most important (physically) people in my life are leaving, and well, even though they say we will still see each other, it will NEVER be the same, and that scares the crap out of me! It all seems to be blown out of proportion!

What happened to the saying “forgive and forget?”
This is the most screwed up situation ever!

My breakdown

2006-09-06T22:08:00.000-12:00

Long post...
Well, this has been the hardest week of my life, NO EXAGGERATIONS...including exams!

I did however, realise the effect some blogs can have on people, their thought, actions and feelings, and if misunderstood, or taken the wrong way can hurt people, so from now on I will be much more careful, and try to not mention names when describing a stick situation!

Have you ever just broken down? Well, when I feel I might, I walk, I put my music in, I walk, no matter what time and I walk, I have a really nice park near my house!

Anyhows, I just got back from a walk, Mel dropped me home bout 5:30, then I was online, and then I left, planning to do homework, but… too much on my mind to focus on Trig!

Well, I wrote a letter like three weeks ago, I sent it on Monday, maybe Tuesday, not sure. The day isn’t the point! Anys, I just told someone really amazing (not naming names) how I felt (NO NOT A LOVE LETTER), well, I was kinda anxious seeing this person today, but… once I had seen them, anxiety gone, instead ‘compassion’, I dunno, I felt happy being in their presence: (wow that sounded corny as!). I dunno, just wanted to let them know that, I may not say it that often, but you mean the world to me!
(They know who they are! *Note: If you’re reading this...I Love you!!!)

I really just don’t understand! I said in a blog a while back that Satan is too powerful, James told me to not credit so much to him, don’t take this as weird, but I had a REALLY hot and long shower, tried clear my mind, but yet I was thinking too much, has anyone ever told you something over and over again, every time you see them (which is often) and still you don’t believe them, you don’t take it in, but then, at the worst time possible you realise they are SO totally right??

Well, I had a long hot shower when I got home, and I was thinking, (That’s so not weird, some people sing, I think!) Anyhows, I was thinking about my life, where I am at, and what the hell I am supposed to be doing! Well, when I realized just how bad some situations had gotten, I collapsed, I sat in the corner of my shower, water running down my back and I bawled, why? I DON’T KNOW! I wish I did, I do know, that I need to do ALL that is possible to change some situations in my life, but then, what is ‘ALL’, what can I do? I dunno, some know what I am on about, others have no clue, some I know are now intrigued, I dunno, two people I love A LOT know exactly what I am talking about, and they have told me, (in their eyes) The ONLY solution, so then, why does that solution not work in my eyes? Why does logically, it make sense, and yet, I can destroy it, overthink it and make it seem horrible? I dunno, I guess that tonight, after this whole week being so disastrous, from the train ride home after bible study, to me writing this now, tonight was my breakdown, I don’t do it often, but when I do, I break down majorly, I don’t think we have any hot water left, sorry sis!

I dunno, why does God allow so much too happen, and yet it seems, that even if I do rely totally on him, I still seem to fall lower? I dunno, I was talking about scientology with Mel in the car tonight, scientologists believe in re-incarnation right? So slowly they decrease in the ‘importance’ of the creature they come back as, eg, lion, then cat, then rat, then frog, ect, so then, what happens when you reach something like an ant or a tick? What is lower? The point of this is not the scientology religion, it’s more: Is there really a rock bottom? I mean I hear it ALL the time, “I have hit rock bottom” But, what is rock bottom? I don’t know exactly where it is, but according to definitions, I think I may be there!

So, that’s a horrible note, but that’s where I’m at, at the moment, Its not really a rut tho, I dunno wot it is, I guess that’s why I cannot heal, you cannot treat a disease when you do not know what it is! So, I guess I can’t dress a wound if I do not know what the wound is can I?

I dunno its depressing I know, but...

Mistake? Why James?

2006-09-05T20:52:00.000-12:00

OKAY THEN! Well I have to say I agree with Sarah in this! James being fired is the worst news in the world! I cannot believe this! I don’t c y!
James is NOT just a youth leader, his a really great guy and a really cool friend!

I have lived this once, for no *good* reason, the coolest youth leaders left, then, due to that, the awesome youth I loved left!, I dunno, I completely understand that James would want to leave, I mean his a GREAT youth leader, and if he cant do that at greensy then of course he should go elsewhere, doesn’t mean tho, that we wont miss him n Saz like CRAZY!

Sarah and I are alike, Where Saz n James go I will follow! I know, its bad to be a follower, but if you have good Shepard’s is it ok? Cause I think that Saz n James would be classed as good Sheppard’s! I too, will travel into the city every week, I don’t care! I luv them SOOOOO MUCH!

James and Sarah are just way too cool to loose, and I really don’t want to say anything against Greensborough, but to let James go is the BIGGEST mistake EVER! I dunno, I think that those two people are the BEST! And again, like Sarah, I think I would die without them!!!! Well, that’s prob a bit extreme, but anyhows, I know I would certainly shed A LOT of tears!

“Felt like they had died! that’s how broken i feel with out them...” quote from sarah’s blog! But it is so so so so so so so so true!!!!

I dunno, there isn’t much more to say but I DO think that this decision is so unjust, it makes absolutely no sense to me! James was the best youth leader EVER and just coz of his P.O.V?? I dunno, maybe there is more to the story, but either way!

Sarah, James, if your reading know that we ALL love you so so so much! That we would be lost without you! And even if you do leave the church we will still stalk you, lol you’re the coolest!
Luv you BOTH so much!
*hugs*

Sarah And James YOU ARE THE BEST! U LUV U SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why and When

2006-09-03T00:36:00.000-12:00

Short post...
QUESTION:
How can I be the loudest person I know and yet still I sit in silence? I am ALWAYS asking if something is possible, but, is it possible to be so overwhelmed in life that we are speechless?

I dont know, i sat in bible study tonight, and it wasnt that i zoned out, because i was listening, i just lost my voice! I dont get it? When will i actually understand?

there are just to many "when's" and "Why's"

Weird

2006-08-30T01:03:00.000-12:00

I just had the WEIRDEST experience ever!

I got home at about 6:30-ish, I went shopping for stuff for Alana’s birthday, finally met Brigit (spelling?) but that’s not the point!

Well, honestly I am totally unsure how to explain this, but, have you ever kinda been thinking something (as in, I care about this night coz of…) and then just realized that it’s not worth it? I dunno how to explain it, but I realized tonight that my ‘priorities’ are out of order? I dunno, James told me a while back to “stop running from my issues” n I kinda got mad at him saying that I wasn’t running, but… I dunno, can we be running without even realizing? Maybe subconsciously I was running, but using the running metaphor, I feel like I was running, I don’t know what from, I didn’t even realise I was running, and suddenly I tripped and fell flat on my face!

I guess, im unsure whether that’s a good thing, because now I know that I was running, I guess now I can turn and face them… I dunno if I want to, im so lost! But, then is it a bad thing in that I have just fallen and not even realised I was running? That’s kinda scary!

Hmm… yeah really confused, I asked in a previous blog whether we could wear a mask without realising it, I dunno, now I guess im asking, can we be running and not realise it until we trip? If not then can someone explain to me what has just happened?

So totally lost right now, its not like I don’t know to do, its just like I don’t know what happened, I woke up this morning thinking it was Tuesday, I even got books for Tuesday, I feel like I have lost a day, is that possible? I dunno… just dazed, I have had like a constant headache for the last 2 days, since Monday night… anys…

Explanation is NEEDED.. this is a situation where a clear answer is required, no extra question I the answer… see I knew a situation would come up!

Points...

2006-08-28T15:31:00.000-12:00

Well, last night at bible study, A LOT of talking, A LOT of yelling (don’t mainly by me!), but a few REALLY good points came up, also (some by me… yes I sounded smart last night)

So… what were those points?

1. “Most questions, to be fully answered, need another question in the answer” I totally get that I do, I really do, BUT… I also think that some questions need an answer that doesn’t leave us thinking! I mean, its like math’s and Literature, Math’s, there are only set answers, right and wrong, no variations, but Lit, there are thousands of answers! THOUSANDS! I mean, there isn’t a right answer, and there isn’t a wrong answer, that’s always good! I am usually a Literature person, I hate having a set answer that I have to follow, BUT... like I said to Liam last night, I think that some questions don’t need a question in their answer… I mean, I have a few question’s that I want answered, but everyone I ask gives me another question to think about, which, more often than not drives me up the wall, people will comment, saying” That’s a really good point Talia” But, they never actually answer my question which is SO aggravating!

2. This might not be word for word but – “We are what we come from, suggesting that the earth is bad, thus us coming from the ground makes us bad” Something along those lines… My instant reaction was “YOUR WRONG!” and I said that, my explanation for that?
Well, using our parents as a metaphor like I did last night, say both your parents are bad as it’s said, does that mean you have to be bad? NO! It doesn’t, even if your parents do this and that, doesn’t mean you have to, it’s your choice! Your choose to do what you want. So then, even if the earth is bad, just because we come from the earth doesn’t mean that we have to be bad, we make that choice, we choose whether to sin, whether do be ‘bad’ as such… are you following?

Well, blogger keeps stuffing up on me, so i will post more later, maybe if i can b bothered, mum is yellin at me coz i have spent 2 much time on computer, AND i need 2 figure out this weekend, i have alana's birthday on friday night... SO COOL... cept i hav no idea wot 2 wear! THEN... Youth alive, absolutly awesomme, i was stoked before, but now nomes is going, finally get to meet this awesome chick!! Yeah so.. tell me wot u think of my 2 points... lol there was gunna b like 10 but i culdnt b bothered:)

Catch ya!

ME time!

2006-08-26T23:40:00.000-12:00

Why is it so hard to find thinking time, the lake at Dalyesford was BORING! But... i could think, i didnt know sarah took this foto but i really like it!
To me, represents, peace, calm, content, everything i have lost since that picture was taken! I guess, i kinda wish i could go back into time, back to this spot, and pause time, live there FOREVER, live in that peaceful, calm, gentle moment. That moment that seemed almost perfect!

So, thinking time, and why am i focused on this? Well, i guess i just realised how little time i take for ME! Not for my family, not for my friends, not for anyone but ME, i havent had a day that was mine in AGEZ! i mean, i guess i just realised, that no ME time, kind of turns into no GOD time, and well i realized today, mid sentence with Alana, my problem is, i havent been able to find time for god!

I have been doin exactly what the book of james says not to, i have been praying for something, but not honestly (in my heart) believeing that it will happen!

Well... this arvo, i realised, that a step i need to take, is to FIND time for me, and for god! It's not a cure to my problems, but i rekon it will cetrainly help me!

So yeah, just thought i would share that, i dunno why! It's like 11:56pm! i should be in bed alseep but i cant sleep! my head hurts, not enough sleep! (that makes sense! i am sore coz i havent slept, and so i stay awake? Weirdo!:P)

Why?

2006-08-26T00:08:00.000-12:00

Just a quick question:

“Why do people know that something is SO wrong and yet they continue?

Meet, bob!

Bob knows what he is doing is wrong! Its SO obvious! Its repulsive...Yet he continues to do it! Why? People have told bob its wrong, they have told bob how he is destroying some-one emotionally! BUT bob doesnt care!

When will bob realize what his doing is SO wrong and stop?

Just a question... you prob dont know the answer! Wish i knew!!

Do you? Will you?

2006-08-24T01:20:00.000-12:00

Okay so, this is for the people who are continually hurting me! SO sick of lies, so sick of gossip, so sick of trust betrayal! (No!!! im not talking about those @ church!!!) Just sick to death of those who hate me! Those who dont give a damn! so... i wrote this...

Why did you cause such pain?
Why did you cause all these tears?
Why did you cause such shame?
Why did you cause these fears?

Do you even regret?
Do you expect these wounds to heal?
Do you expect me to forget?
Do you expect me to be over the ordeal?

Will you ever think?
Will you ever see?
Will you ever even notice?
Will you see how you hurt me?

I like this picture... its done really well... even tho it is REALLY depressing!

Gods Plan

2006-08-22T15:22:00.000-12:00

Okay I am sitting in English, & we start talking about “what it is to be a man?” can they cry? Do they have to be tough? Random I know but we are studying Macbeth (The WORST Shakespeare ever) Anys, We were talking about that and so I kinda zoned out, well not zoned out but put my music on, & thought... I dunno...

I thought about my life, about the point of my life, what is gods plan for me? Does he have one?

Well, I can’t deny that god has a plan, I cant! Although I can deny that I am clueless about it, I do not know why I am here, what is my point? What am I supposed to do? One small person? I see other people on earth, they know their basic plan, part of that plan, in their eyes and mine is to help me. (That sounded up myself), I don’t mean that their only reason is to help me, but in a sense... oh I dunno how to explain it! I’m not being up myself tho!

Anys, as I was thinking, something that I have spoken to people about before came up; I think Mel and Alana have heard me ramble on about this before...

BUT... As I see it, god has brought me through a few *near death* experiences, both physically and emotionally, and well I guess my question is: WHY? Why am I on earth? Why did god want me here? He must have a reason or I wouldn’t still be here, the only problem is... I can’t see it, and as I said to Mel, and Nomes, I HATE SUPRISES! With a vengeance, I just want to know - NOW!

Well Saz told me that she only found out recently, and she is 19 (I think...) does that mean I have three years longer, possibly more? Will I ever know what gods plan is for me?

Okay, one more thing, kinda straying from the point, not too far tho...

Well, about a week ago, it was like 12:00am, and I was talking to Saz, through messages, I don’t remember what I said, but she said that as she was typing a message to me, she saw god, right there, with me!

Well... it sounds depressing, but... My answer to that was:
“What use is that? You can see God in my life, but I can’t! What the?” Maybe not word for word, but that’s the gist of it.

So yeah...again, I have no idea where I am leading with this, juts rambling on, I guess I am still just so darn confused, overwhelmed, uncertain, dazed, lost, I dunno what you’d call it... But that’s how scrambled my mind is, I cant think straight anymore!

Ow well... What do you think?
Do you know gods plan for you? If so...how & when did u find out?

No idea - Untitled...

2006-08-21T20:54:00.000-12:00

"life is soooo worth it...its just sometime we lose that hope amongest all the crap that covers it away. Your life may be a mess but its worth sorting out. You have to make huge sacrifices but u know God's in control,God's hope for our lives is the achor of our soul that secretes deep into the anterior, underlying the curtains that shade despair."

A really good friend sent this to me yesterday, she told me to believ it, and if i didnt to re read it over and over untill i did, whenever i got low, read it!

Well... i dunno y, but everyone keeps asking how i am, online, and i honestly cant answer, its a 'meh' or a 'i dunno' or a skip to the next question...

I dunno anymore, its kinda like, (sounds extreme - prob is) i have lost intrest, i dont know y... i just seem to not b bothered doing ANYTHING... no school, youth group, church, bible study, any of it... its not that i dont want to, cause i luv goin to church, bible study, youth group, 4:08, all of it... its just a lack of intrest... does that make sense?

I dunno where i am leading with this...

I guess its just the same as before... my prayer

"Confusing questions answered, difficult situations solved- The right path shown"

Quotes & Lyrics

2006-08-20T15:07:00.000-12:00

"It seems strange but most of the best things and most fulfilling things in life will come out of something hard"

Someone really wise quoted the above! (Melissa)

I guess, I have been told by heaps of people, HEAPS! That these sucky times, they will end and I will grow stronger out of it, that I WILL overcome it, BUT! That’s so darn hard to see now! Seriously, I know they are right, and that I will get through it, I dunno… I dunno where I am heading with this; I guess I’m just sick of hearing it and not seeing any results!!!

Some lyrics from songs and what I get out of them…

“I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
A family in crisis that only grows older”

Why is that, our family... hurt us the most? The ones we love the most? Are the ones who hurt us the most? Who put the most pressure on us!

“I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me”

One small incident, whether you understand it or not, whether it makes sense or not, can destroy EVERYTHING, trust levels sunken MAJORLY! But… it’s weird though because the few people I don’t think I can trust are those I confide in, those I expect to tell, don’t, and those I don’t expect to tell, do… Go figure…

“It's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there”

It’s funny when we drift so far from things and we don’t even notice, it seems that we have almost unintentionally walked outside and the door has shut, and locked, we cant get back in, however everything that matters is in that room, unable to find the key! I have lost something and i have NO idea how to get it back!

“I've had enough of living life for only me
And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me”

Almost as though we have had enough of life the way it is now, we want to change it ASAP! However, we don’t know how to change it. How can we stop the things that are ruining us and then reach for the ‘right’ things???? What if, I know it sounds weird, but what if, in a sense we are not in control of what is happening, the only option… isn’t an option? Do you know what I mean?

Well, at the half past four meeting yesterday, Sarah did a playdoe prayer, we shaped a small pile of playdoe into a figure of what we would like to pray for, then, in a sentence or two explain it… I said…
“Confusing questions answered” I also should have said “difficult situations solved”

The amount of difficult situations is overwhelming, you know that Simpson’s image? The one where you have a small devil on your left shoulder and an angel on your right? Both telling you to do something? Well kind of like that, but then not, because, in my eyes, and I HAVE thought this through... both options are HORRIBLE! So... then... what do I do?

Again I have more to say... but I don’t know how to put it into words and my two NEW math’s assignments are looking at me and with bible study tonight i am officially screwed! I swear... Nomes is so right!

"VCE is a 'valid' excuse to torture teenagers!!!"

A whole lot to say!

2006-08-19T22:30:00.000-12:00

Yep, it’s a long one! AND I am so not finished!

Okay so... i wrote this in math’s on Friday morning...

My head is pounding fast,
I haven’t slept enough.
I don’t think I can last,
This world is way too tough.

Have an outcome in an hour,
I don’t know what to do.
I think I’m gonna fail,
I don’t know what to do.

There’s too much on my mind,
I think I might explode.
The answers I can’t find,
This whole world is a code.

I can no longer trust,
Those who are around me.
Even though I must
I really just can’t trust

The world is such a haze
Im zoning in and out
Im always in a daze
Im overwhelmed by doubt

I cannot see the light
This is a hopeless fight!

I GIVE UP!

Well, that’s that... Um... have you ever had that situation where you don’t know exactly how to feel? Like something has happened, and your angry, but your not… your upset, but your not, your confused, but you know why?
If you haven’t felt that way then you probably have absolutely no idea what I am on about, but for those who have (I’m hoping it’s not just me) know what I am saying… Well that’s exactly how I felt on Friday morning in math’s, I was really angry, but then I wasn’t, I was so upset, but then I wasn’t, I was confused, but then, I understood why?
So… I guess that’s kind of the most confusing thing I have ever! Written in my life! WOW!

NEXT:
At 'half past four' thingy... i dunno... well we were talking about communities, and trust and loyalty being the most important qualities needed for a functional community.
Well... a few things were said, and i have to study for another outcome (times 3) tomorrow so i will only focus on one or two...

Well... Mel kind of 'ran' tonight, and she asked us... to "draw ourselves as a tree in a garden, a picture that reflects our perspective on our community"

Well... after some great pictures from everyone... Liam brought up that it was strange that NO-ONE had drawn any roots for our trees... NO-ONE thought of the underneath issue? The tree that seemed absolutely fine, healthy, green, tall, really… was dying inside. (Continuing with the tree metaphor). Well this kind of made me think... A friend of mine talked on a blog entry of people wearing a ‘mask’, hiding what’s really happening underneath!

A question that popped into my head…
“Can we be wearing a mask without even realizing it?”

ALSO... We talked of our church community, those sitting at the table, Rhi said that (this is what I got from it anyway) “When we are at school, we aren’t always fully ourselves, but then at church, because we know everyone better we are more ourselves...”
Me, being my argumentative self, said “ But... in a sense, those we know better are those that we try to fool, as in, saying we are fine, even if we are not…” I said a whole lot more but I really can’t remember...

Okay... well I have TONES more... but I have three outcomes tomorrow and a math’s test so... I am kind of screwed, I got to go... BUT... I will update ASAP! I really enjoyed today, I got A LOT out of it... Thanks guys! (Those who read this AND those who don’t!)

You’re all the best! More important than you realize!

Short Note...

2006-08-16T15:03:00.000-12:00

“Trust is so hard to gain… BUT… so easy to loose!”
This is too true!!!

ALSO…

“Forgiveness… the most important… the hardest!”
Unfortunately!

Why does the world seem to be spinning anti-clockwise for me? I am dizzy… powerless to stop it!

Questions & an Apology

2006-08-14T01:53:00.000-12:00

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he aught to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” James 4:17

Tonight in bible study... I kinda zoned out... doing that WAY TO OFTEN! But anyhows, I was really disappointed in a way because no-one (including me-I know) brought this up.. And well I dunno...I wish I had’ve!!!

Anyhows can we, be responsible for someone else sinning???

As in, say... (Not using names)
A tells B something... and then... B then knows that something should be done, but A won’t let them... Are you following? If not sorry!!!
Well, in that scenario, does that make A responsible for B sinning? And, is there a lesser evil? As in, by B saying something, they would be betraying the trust of A which in itself is a sin (I don’t know if technically it is... but... it is in my eyes!) so then...

Is A is responsible for B sinning?

NEXT:
“Submit yourself, then, to god. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you…” James 4:7
Well we DID talk on this... But as I said I kinda zoned out... SORRY!
Well, it’s a question I have... I think I may have asked it already... again SORRY!
Well, if James says that when we draw closer to god, the devil will flee from us... Then why have I been told by MANY people that Satan only hurts those close to god... so in a sense, James is wrong! By drawing closer to god, you are almost (provoking, tempting, not sure of the word so...) Satan!
It seems to me (sounds really depressing) BUT... the closer to god you get, the more powerful Satan becomes in your life! Well... That’s what I have seen, so if I am wrong! PLEASE TELL ME SO!

ALSO...

I have always been told that all sins are ‘equal’ in a sense, as in there are no “OMGosh... that’s worse than my sin” comments... BUT! Why is it that some sins can hurt more??? And that some, can have more of a deeper effect, and yet are seen by others as ‘not THAT bad’???

IM LOST!
(as usual...)

LASTLY:
I would like to apologize.. I think that we may have already had these questions answered... BUT... I zoned out! So SORRY if I am repeating any questions!
But I really would like some answers, and if it’s a comment I can save it, so it doesn’t matter if I zone in and out!

...

2006-08-09T22:59:00.000-12:00

Confusion, confuzzlement, descried in the dictionary as unable to think with clarity or act intelligently! Or by steph as a mental state characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behaviour!

In my eyes it’s described as EVIL! Annoying, depressing! And it has overcome by life, I can’t find my way out!

Seriously, no matter how many people you talk to, not one of them know what to do! I have spoken to people ‘older’ and people ‘younger’ I have spoken to people I don’t know that well, people I know so much is scary, and yet still NO-ONE! Can help!!!

Again I say... My brain seems to be getting more and more thoughts, and none of them leaving, I kinda wish someone of them would just disappear, but the likeliness of that is close to zero!

Also... Why is it that we can only ever see the bad in our lives, and even the lives around us? Why do we struggle so much to see the good, and yet the bad comes so darn easily???

Well, someone I know told me this quote... I don’t really like it… but it does kinda describe my state of mind...

“How can we love another, when we feel that no-one loves us?”

Its kinda depressing in know... but still... Yh i dunno where i am heading so i will stop...

Who's at the door?

2006-08-08T13:22:00.000-12:00

Wrote this for lit…

Who’s at the door?

There’s a knock at the door, she chooses to ignore it, she knows who it is!

Instead she sits on her bed, talking on the phone, her music is on, she is happy, the room glows, the sun light gapes through the open blinds, the pink curtains only covering a fraction of the window, and the fresh air blows through the open window. There is a spring fragrance in the room, it’s inviting, its appealing, its lovely, that’s what we see, although, in her mind, in her eyes…she sits, rocking, curled up, protecting herself from the world that surrounds her, her head in her lap, and we do not see her face. She is petrified, she doesn’t make any sudden movements, only rocks, back and forth, back and forth, almost as though she is trying to calm herself down. To comfort herself, she has no-one else, she doesn’t know who to turn to, who to trust, is there anyone? She is scared and alone, she has no thoughts, they are too painful, she has lost all sense of herself.

The knocking continues…

She still doesn’t look up, not until she hears it, the voice, the one that tells her she is unworthy, that she is not good enough, that she never will be… The voice that has led her to the depth’s of hell that she lives in now, she hates them, she despises them. She glances up, we see her face drenched with tears, and mascara lines stain her face, her eyes puffy from all the tears she has shed, the scars not physical, we see the pain in her eyes, deep down in her heart; we see them escaping, the fears, the despair, the pain!

The knocking continues… As does the angry voice, only this time its louder, louder and louder, telling her she is unworthy, she is a disgrace, she is evil, no one loves her, NO ONE! We still do not know who is at the door, but she does, she is terrified by it, we can see the fear in her eyes, still she speaks no words, only tears, a quiet sniff here and a silent sob there… She knows what is being said is true, she has been told every day of her life, she has begun to believe it, now… it’s in her heart.

The knocking is unbearable now, its so loud she covers her ears, she can’t bear it, she doesn’t want to face the door, she knows who is there, she wants it to go away….

The knocking continues, its getting louder and louder, she cannot bear it any more, she gets up, she walks to the door, and opens it, she stares at the girl, she hates her, she hates her so much she wishes she were dead, the one who ruined her life, the one who has put her in so much hell…

She sees herself!

What you cannot see...

2006-08-03T00:00:00.000-12:00

Poem i wrote... dunno what it really means, But then... I never really do when it comes to poetry, a strange style of art!

So scared and alone,
So confused and sad
Can’t use the phone,
Feeling so bad.

Unsure of my life
Unsure of gods plan
Way to much strife
To ever understand

Why is it me,
Who suffers all the pain?
Why cant they see?
Im drowning in the rain?

Blind to all the tears
Pouring down my face
Blind to all the fears
The ones I cannot face

The fears they’ll never know
The feeling no-one sees,
You never would believe it…
But it’s all inside of ME

I just want to scream
I just want to shout
Anything at all
To rid me of this doubt

The feelings oh so low
The indescribable pain,
The ones they’ll never know
The ones that cause such shame

The overwhelming dark
I cannot see the light
The never leaving mark
The never ending fight!!!

Hypocrisy

2006-08-02T00:16:00.000-12:00

Okay... This may sound weird!

Have you ever been talking to someone... giving them advice on something, and suddnely it hits you! You are being the most hipocritical person ever!!!!!!!!!

That what literally just happened to me! There i was talking to someone, telling them something, when really i should be telling myself this! i should be giving myself this advice!

Well... Another point, more to the point another "Have you Ever?"
Have you ever not wanted to tell someone something, so you say 'im fine' and they can still tell that something is up??? That sux!

Hint: Hiding emotions doesnt work! Even when you are online! Even if you've never MET the person!
Its crazy! Is that just me?

Confusion to the MAX!

2006-07-31T14:25:00.000-12:00

To everyone reading this,
I am sorry if it makes no sense, but I was gonna write I last night after bible study, but that would have been worse, so if any of this confuses you, I am sorry!

Okay, so last week at bible study, we talked of Ephesians, and how if you think about it, that book clashes with what the book of James says. So... Liam asked us to think about what that meant!

Well... I thought, I think I over thought it, because now I am SO CONFUSED! I sat in bible study last night, honestly trying not to take much in, because everything new I took in added to my confusion, When James and Alana were talking about how they didn’t clash, I had NO IDEA what they were talking about, nothing at all! I felt so darn bad because I didn’t know what to think, and anytime anyone asked me, “what do you think?” I just repeated, “im lost, I have no idea, I am SO CONFUSED!!!”

Well, in my life, as my MSN name states, I have too much on my mind and I really would like my brain to explode, and most of this is because of confusion, or a choice I have to make, that I am too scared to make! So, some of my thoughts that I am willing to publish on the net...

1.The book of James is awes; I really liked how straight forward he is… Basically he says do this and don’t do that, Easy as to follow! BUT then… Ephesians says that it is not by the work of our own but by gods will, so one person says it is by us, and another it is by god. My first thought was well I am supposed to believe the bible right? But what do you do when there are clashing views????
Well... James explained it somewhat to me, and honestly I kinda forgot what he said, but he based them all around faith! That triggered in me something I have been trying to hide!
2.Just Sunday night I went online and I was told by someone at Macleod that they admired my faith, on Sunday at church during Alana’s organized prayer, I was told I had a lot of faith and to keep it up!
So why it is that everyone else can see my faith but I can’t? Recently I have told people that two things I desire deeply are for my faith to grow because I don’t see that I have enough faith??? That has confused me though, because everyone else sees that I have, and I quote “amazing faith in god” But I don’t feel that faith? How can others see it but I cant?
During Sunday worship we sang the song “have faith in god” I really liked this song, and immediately it brought tears to my eyes, why? Because I feel I am struggling with my faith! Its not that I don’t believe in god, I DO! Trust me I DO, its more that… grr... I cant put it into words!
3.The second desire I have! I was talking to Mel and Alana over the weekend, a light hearted chat...
BUT... we all know god has a plan for us right? Well, have you ever been in that situation that you just wanted to know what it was? Well, like I was saying to Mel and Alana, God has pulled me through some experiences I never thought I would overcome, and when I think about that, I just want to know why??? Why does god want me here, what is his plan??????

Okay, now completely off the track:

4. Have you ever been so angry at someone, as in you didn’t want to see them, speak to them, anything! They don’t know your angry at them because you cant tell them, your too angry. But then, they come completely out of the blue, and do something that they didn’t have to do, that meant SO much to you, and you then feel guilty for being mad in the first place, but then… you kinda had a reason for being mad???
Okay if you understood that you’re a legend!
(p.s. NO RHIANNON ITS NOT YOU!!!)

Okay... back on track!

5.Well James was talking about it in his blog, and also on Sunday and Liam mentioned it last night, accountability partners, someone who you can tell, “I am sinning” and they will help you to stop!
Well, I really thought about that, great idea James, except for one glitch… You have to find someone you are willing to tell that to! Like we also discussed on Sunday arvo, and Liam also said last night was… That it is human nature to fear judgement; however, even if you know the person you are talking to will not judge you, you still fear it?

Okay... thats all for now... there is heaps more, but I couldn’t be bothered typing anymore!
Please let me know if you have ANY idea’s, solutions, ect ANYTHING TO HELP!!!!!!!

My metaphor!

2006-07-30T02:27:00.000-12:00

I have something I am pondering on...

Well this morning at church Saz lead worship band (so awes) and before we sang she asked us to imagine that we entering a place that is just full of god! Nothing else! I was like WOW! Okay then… I will do it…

This is what I saw:
A rainforest… the sun blocked out by the canopy of leaves! Drizzle in the skies… I could see gods shadow but not his actual figure, I could see it in the distance, He wasn’t moving, he was comfortable, it was obvious he wasn’t going anywhere. But to get to god I had to walk along a path with frogs (EWWWW), snakes, leaves, insects, ect. I saw them as obstacles in my way of reaching god, but there was no other way to get there! But if i overcome my fear of frogs and creepy crawleys i will make it to god!

I kind of reflected on this a little today, I see this as my life... I have god in the distance, not to distant that I can't see him and not to distant that I can’t rely on him though. I know that he isn’t going anywhere; he is in heaven comfy, happy, and content. It is my journey though, I have to walk that path, the path of life, and my aim in life is to, at the end, reach god! I saw the frogs, snakes, leaves, insects, ect. They were my obstacles, the ones Satan is putting in my life!
Well major says Satan only annoys us if we are close to god… Well honestly I have felt much closer to god since changing churches (sorry Macleod). Well… I do see that, and I have also, unfortunately, noticed that my life seems to have bad things happening one after the other… Is it Satan? Is this his way of trying to separate me from god? If so it’s not working! Through all the crap! That is happening I am growing closer to those around me, those I trust, but most of all, closer to god!
I just want to say, This morning Saz and James picked me up for church, and Saz told me she thought I was really dedicated to catch a taxi to youth group (don’t ask), and well, I didn’t think anything of it, I was like “um… thankyou… I think????” But now I think about it, just a passing comment like that can make you feel so special! Well in our 4:30 meeting (still doesn’t have a name might I add) Alana did this prayer that was designed to encourage everyone, and well, honestly I have needed that, I needed to hear it! I have had the WORST week out, my weeks seem to be getting worse, BUT I do think this one tops it off, as I am now hobbling on crutches which are soooooo uncomfortable, I guess I just needed to hear that I was loved, but what I did notice, is that each person in the group, had a similar thing to say about me, it wasn’t a “I will say this… it sounds good” It was an honest opinion!!! Well, even though I am in agony and my rents are driving me insane, I still feel somewhat uplifted!

So... after all that, my metaphor in life, including frogs, a brief of how crap life is, and how great greensy salvo’s is turning out to be, and HOW AWESOME IS GOD???? Seriously, in my last blog I said that Satan was powerful, and Mel said god was more powerful! She is right (as usual)
HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD???

Just to make matters worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-28T00:03:00.000-12:00

GUESS WHAT?

Just to make matters worse... what do i do? i go and break my ankle! Now.. i have issues to deal with but i cant walk properly, AND i have to use crutches! This sux i go everywhere by train! cant do that on crutches- that means i am like stuck at home! cant get to church, cant go shoping, cant do anythin! THIS SUX!

I swear if i beleived in curses i would say i have one! I am so over life at the moment! Why does everything have to go so wrong?????

ARGH! I swear Satan is too powerful!

Prayer is needed!

2006-07-27T00:59:00.000-12:00

A Prayer is needed!

Majorly! my sis is sick! well more injured!

Not rhiannon for those who know her

This is kylie! she has been beaten up badly by an ex! My neice and nephew sat and watched at a young age!!!!!!

Please pray for their health as i am so scared and worried! Asking... More begging for some help!!

Christian Cross

2006-07-26T21:56:00.000-12:00

Well, learnt something in a legal documentary the other day, and now i have figured out what to say about it.

Did you know?
"the golden arches of MCDonalds is globally more known than the christian cross"

Thats horrible! i couldnt beleive it when i heard that, im like dude its junk food, food is no where near as important as god!!
That challenged me, majorly! I immediatly wanted to fix it! I have alwyas been told to spread the word, share the gospel, and honestly i have struggled to do it, i figured someone else would! BUT... obviously not enough people are!
Not enough people are learning about Jesus!

I want to fix that.... Do you?

Anger!

2006-07-25T00:49:00.000-12:00

Anger... such a strong emotion! What to do when your angry?
(Hint: Dont punch walls, you break knuckles and cant write properly for 2 weeks)

Well as i have told a few people i have been angry for months now, it just wont go away, just when i start to get over one thing, another comes along!
And then, i hear things from people, i read things, and they make me think honestly, i try to not get angry as james 1:19 says "you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" If only it were as easy as that? Dont get angry, okay, done! I wish!

With anger, usually comes confusion, and trust me when i say, i have had enough confusion to last me a LIFETIME! I still have it all, building up in my head, blocking out the good saving all the bad, my brains filter has gone haywire!
i swear i have had that much on my mind, i am suprised i havent just broken down, oh wait I Have!The amount, of stress, anger, confusion, ect, is overwhelming, i am snapping at people, skitzing it for NO reason and yelling at teachers (Not good-you end up with detentions even if your WERE right and the text book WAS wrong)

Well, that brings me to my next point...
How can teachers teach incorrect details? Its not right! You cannot tell an entire class something, make then copy it down, when it is wrong! You cant!

History at my school is teaching the Salvo's- Awes right? Wrong, because they are teaching the wrong thing! Argh, Its like Lit, we did a story called 'headless' a dude cuts his head off for publicity! And the author says he is much like jesus, our essay topic was to prove that this was right, and that what jesus did was for publicity and not to save our souls! How can i be expected to write something that i am so against??? Seriously, i almost cried when i heard that!

Jesus died to save us from our sins, not so that money was raised and people can say thousands of years later "Hey remember that jesus guy, he got nailed to a cross for publicity" That's just not it!

And while i cannot say i am a saint, i do know how wrong that is!

What is wrong with me????

2006-07-23T23:56:00.000-12:00

What is wrong with me? Do I have that much on my mind I have blocked god out?

Well, both yesterday, and tonight Liam asked me to pray, and I couldn’t! I don’t know why! I have never had a problem praying, I was always nervous about saying my prayers aloud, but I could do it….However now, I just couldn’t, I still can’t!

It makes absolutely no sense to me, every day I am telling people how much I want I want the gift of teaching, and yet I cannot pray aloud?????
I am so scared that I am too distant from god, I cannot pray??? Liam says that I will be praying next week, and my immediate thought was “oh I wont come then” I mean, I immediately think of how I can get out of it, why???

As I write this, I listen to Barlow Girl, I praise god in singing everyday, today being in front of my entire school, and yet I am struggling to pray!

What is wrong with me? How can I fix it? How can I stop feeling this way?

Whats new?

2006-07-22T22:59:00.000-12:00

So... whats new in my little world?

Well church today, it was awesome, seriously, i was kinda nervous, coz last time liam did the meeting i ended up in tears, BUT... i am happy to report that no tears, were shed today!

So... whats new?
Well, honestly, not much is new? Still got a whole lot on my mind, with more daily! But tomorrow i am so pumped, and scared, doing a duet in front of tonnes of people and i am so so so scared that i will stuff up! But yeah, then bible study, and we are doing James and i luv it so much! i luv studieng the bible, i never used to, honestly i never even opened my bible, but now... since greensy i am always reading it, and now bible study! i am just loving it!

Anyhows, im off, gotta get up early tomoz for practice!

Whats a girl 2 do?

2006-07-18T19:02:00.000-12:00

Short post...
Ever have that much on your mind, that things literally go in one ear and out the other, because bigger issues in life are stuck on your brain?

Whats a girl to do in this situation?

Melissa said... Again

2006-07-16T22:54:00.000-12:00

I have used this heading before, but that’s cause Melissa says some really challenging stuff.

Every single week at bible study, I am challenged, not deliberately, but by a passing comment, again it was Melissa, (I wrote it down this week...)

“When you’re angry you just have to think, is this something god would be angry about? If not, basically… get over it, if yes, why?”

Well Melissa, again you challenged me; it seems that every week I am challenged. I honestly don’t know what to say to this, I won’t try to put it in words because I will probably confuse you all, but this stirred something up in me.

Well, Melissa, Liam and other people, including myself, have given me challenges for this week, and for the future in general! The question I am asking myself, is

“Can I live up to them?”

Overcome by Gossip

2006-07-13T20:27:00.000-12:00

Consumed by anger? Im sure you have heard that, but... have you heard of consumed by gossip? Well if not, now you have.

Have any of you ever been the target of gossip? Ever been the butt of that joke? Ever not wanted to go to school/work/uni/ect?

Well, unfortunately I discovered just how bad that really does make you feel! Just how low you can get when people are lieing about you!
I don’t know what to say about it? I don’t know how to feel?

My so called ‘friends’ turn their backs because they believe gossip, which, if they really knew me they would know is not true, So far from true is horrible!

So, I have come to a realisation...
Honestly I have passed on rumours, I have NEVER started them, but I have passed them on, which I now know is just as bad! Because the target of those rumours feels so low, so miserable and almost scared!

My challenge, which I have set myself on, is to make sure I NEVER back stab, never lie, and never pass on rumours about anyone else, because the results can be disastrous!

A quote I love: “A good friend is someone who goes around and says nice things about you behind your back”

Awsome Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-09T11:58:00.000-12:00

OMGosh! Ever woken up with the feeling that the day you are about to live is going to be really cool????? Well this morning I did!
I’m in I.T. (first period) and already this has turned out to be one of the best days of my life! So far… IM RIGHT!!!!! Explanation needed, I know!

Well I have previously spoken of feeling as though I couldn’t talk to any of my friends about God because they yell…. Well… Today for some reason (I’m guessing god) told me to talk to one girl today, and I just spoke of my weekend, and bible study tonight! And she was really interested, and then the conversation went on and we talked for ages about God, Jesus and what he an and is doing in my life, and what he could do in hers, and the convo went for like half an hour (I was late to I.T) but I am just so pumped! I just couldn’t believe it, just the other day I was talking to James about my struggles with this, and he gave me some *tips* and well I took them and now look! One of my closest friends really wants to know about God and possibly even start coming to church with me!!!!! This is turning out to be the best day ever!

Okay yesterday was absolutely awesome! I can’t exactly explain why?? Nothing *special* happened, it just turned out to be a really great day! I will run through it….

Got up early as to go to Rhiannon’s house before church so I didn’t have to wait at the station! So after leaving my house @ 8:30, I was dog tired, but not dead to the world (that makes no sense but ow well) and well got there, had a ball tyring to get her out of bed! Lol heaps and heaps of bumps and bruises for both of us (don’t ask) , well then we were a little late for church cause rhi’s mum was on the phone….

And then…. When we got to church we had to wait outside a little because we got there right in prayer time, well I looked around the building and I was devastated, Liam and Melissa weren’t there! I really wanted a make poverty history band, and Liam was the only one I could get one off!!!!!!! But… then they turned up! YAY I got my band!

Okay then…. Church was really good! I was fired up, and sitting Next to Sarah Mc who was also so pumped for god, was great, I was so excite to be there, basically jumping in the songs! And then Mark was doing the sermon, and what he said really challenged me, I had to sit down, it was over powering, I sat there for a bit, and I just prayed that god would give me the faith, the faith to astonish Jesus! And well as I sat down, Melissa came over, and just her there, made me feel some what, ‘safer’ She just asked me if I wanted to pray and her hand on my shoulder, (cant explain it) but my fears almost immediately vanished, I think I was almost paranoid, but Melissa was there (again… she always is) and it made things loads better!

Then after church we were just all around chatting, and then…. Alana decides just before we are about to leave, to go to the toilet, so then we were the last to leave! Lol, but still I went back to Alana’s house as I had to be back at the Salvo’s by 4:30 so there was no point going home! Well got back to Alana’s and we went to get chips! And obviously we were chatting and well we talked about random stuff and then she started her mind games scaring the crap out me by calling a piece of rubber a snake!  she found it hilarious, Well then at 3:30 I left Alana’s house and went back to the salvo’s, yeah I was early but I didn’t mind, I had my book and my Ipod, its all good! Well I was waiting ten minutes, on the phone for some of it, and Liam and Melissa got there, early birds…..

Well then, it started out as Melissa, Liam, and me, and while Liam set our room up, we just chatted a while, then James arrived, then randomly major Joe came, but lastly Georgia arrived! We chatted a little more, and then we went into the (smaller, primary, WARM) room, Liam had set up a few things, an open bible on red material, a cross made of nails on blue material, with a large candle in the middle with tea light candles around the edge, that alone kind of symbolised us, around Jesus, he sat in the middle of us, and together, as a group of five people sat and shared about him! Well today was the first week of this group (no idea of the name) but we spoke of gifts, both spiritual and *physical* (dunno what to call it… gifts such as kind, compassionate, caring) and well, a lot of discussion but over all really good!

Well then I went home, Liam and Melissa drove me to station, then waited with me, (first people I know who don’t just drop people off!!) And I don’t know…. Felt ‘loved’’ as I always say, most people just drop me off and drive away, but they didn’t… never mind just me…..

Well got home, went on my computer, wrote my speech on a book I haven’t finished, I think I did quite well (not being up myself or anything) but still, then I went to bed, and I read my bible again., I am reading 1 & 2 peter at the moment, and then went to sleep, and well when I woke this morning, I had only had 3 hours of sleep, and I should have been dog tired, but I wasn’t! I was wide awake, I was awake and ready to live today for God, and I was so psyched!!!!

Well I’ve been rambling for an entire period now, oops, probably should have done some work:s But, yeah, while its only the first period, I think today is going to be an awesome day, tonight I have bible study and I’m so psyched, then home to do my mountain of homework!

Im off
Catch ya

Strength!

2006-07-06T12:14:00.000-12:00

This will, I’m sure of it be a long entry!
Well... What’s new in my life?? Well by blogging every day, leaves little for the imagination.
BUT, There is also the fact that some things are inappropriate for a blog that all can read, and then there’s the fact that maybe I couldn’t be bothered typing stuff up, oh and don’t forget the time issue... I have been out every night so far, getting to bed at 11 ish and then reading (my choice about the reading!) and then up again by 6:30...NOT GOOD

*snores*

What? No I am awake... I’m just stuffed, majorly! So then, why am I on my computer writing a blog? Well I don’t know? I am in I.T. and I have a substitute teacher and no work to do! And I can get blogspot on the school computers, (they haven’t blocked it, but...they have blocked, msn, hotmail, piczo… all that junk), so what is this blog about?

Well it’s about strength!
The strength we need? Want and pray for...
Well I myself have been praying a lot for God to strengthen me, to give me more confidence, enough to do as he pleases, to overcome those who shoot me down, ect. It also seems that I am not the only one needing strength, speaking to a friend last night, and I was devastated to discover what I happening in her life... she needs the strength to overcome the evil in her life, but she won’t (or maybe cant) ask for it?

Well last night, I went to bed, WAY TO LATE may I mention but still, I wanted to finish James, I was half way through the last chapter of James when mum told me to turn the light off! So I set myself up, as I do comfy clothes, warm bed and a cup of hot choccy and I started, planning to finish James and then sleep... Well that didn’t happen, I did finish James, that happened, it was the fact that, I then didn’t sleep. I went to, turned my light off, climbed into bed, but it just didn’t happen…. I wanted to honestly but I had WAY too much on my mind. I was thinking about something... I couldn’t stop, I tried to push it away, I didn’t want to think about it but I couldn’t stop! i tried a phone call-Nope, I tried a movie-Nope and even going back online didnt work! I just couldn’t shrug it!

Well, it was one of those situations where you want to do something, you know what you could do, but then technically you cant, there are obstacles in your way, either physically, like money or time, or maybe emotionally, such as regret or fear even. Well my obstacles were emotional, I have both fear for this person, but fear in trusting this person, okay... its hard to explain, but still…. Well I needed strength, just enough to trust God with this issue, instead of stressing myself over it and loosing my much needed sleep, but… unfortunately for me, I didn’t get it! I wish I had but I didn’t, maybe I wasn’t asking properly, maybe, subconsciously I didn’t want it. I’m not entirely sure, but I am sure that, deep down I do want to help her, im just not sure what I can do? I have been praying for months now that God will touch her life, and make an impact on her life, but… Maybe he has, maybe I just can’t see it? But I can’t see any change in her, her behaviors or her life in general… does that sound harsh? It wasn’t meant to!

Well that’s kinda all I have to say, cept that I really do want the strength to live for God, and no one else, to have the chance to be there for him alone! No peer pressure, no parental pressure, just god and no one else! Doesn’t that sound awesome????
Well yeah, I pray that god will both strengthen me, those around me, those who wont ask for it, and those who will…
God Bless!

“You’ve changed”

2006-07-04T00:51:00.000-12:00

Im sure you have all heard that, either said to you, or out of your own mouth, or even just on T.V. Well I just heard that, only it wasn’t me saying it, it was my sister, Rhiannon, Saying it to me…I used to be relatively close to her, we aught like crazy, but when it came down to it, we were close.
And yet she isn’t happy for me? She isn’t happy that I have gotten closer to god??? And most of all, she isn’t happy that I am spending more time with the “churchiez”??? I just don’t get that?

I don’t know… I have kinda felt low today cause of what Melissa said the other night? (Not her fault, im glad she said it, I needed to hear it) But I wasn’t to bad, I have a talk to a few people, and I was feeling okay, but my sister came home, bragged about how “great” her weekend was, and when I went to tell her about me, I mentioned “yeah, well I went to bible study last night” and she didn’t want a bar of it, or of me? And well I just got shot down, really badly!

Well, in my Family, my sister and I were the only Christians, and when I was low, or struggling with my mum or dad, brothers, sisters, ect. I talked to her, she helped me, and well now, I kinda feel so alone. I mean I know I have some really great friends I can talk to any time, I have leaders who are more than happy to help me, but I feel like I have lost my….(buddy, mate…) I don’t know, I have always felt a little like an outsider in my family, (that’s a long story) but... I knew that I wasn’t alone in getting up for church, being excited about god, having really awesome stories of what god was doing in my life, and now?? It just all fallen down....

A few weeks ago, i told my sister that I was changing churches; I wanted to go to greensy, and she told me, that I had – direct quote “dude, why have you become like all christiany??” and I didn’t think anything of it, but now I think, what did she mean by that?

Well yeah, I have written two blogs today, in the space of 2 hours, but it’s just my mood has changed somewhat.

The book of James!

2006-07-03T20:06:00.000-12:00

Well like i previously mentioned i went to bible study last night, and Liam asked whether we wanted to finish exodus, or start something new??? We decided some thing new... ThenLiam asked for sugestions on what? And suddenly i had a burst.... I have been told by many (being two) people that i should read the book of James and i honestly shrugged it off... "yeah ok i will" - i never got round to it!

Then Last night, Liam said to read chapter one before next week, knowing myslef well enough i decided to read it that night or i would forget:P Well i went to bed at 10:30... i got home at 9-ish and then we had visitors who wouldnt leave! So it was 10-ish when i ate, and then 11-ish by the time i was getting ready for bed (No i didnt take an hour to eat, i cleaned the kitchen too)

So once i was snuggled into bed i got out my bible, and i started to read, and i have a teen bible, which tells me what each chapter is about, and i read that first... I was then intrgued (No idea how to spell that)
And so i read, chapter one was amazing, only six verses in and i was 'wowed' (my new word) i just couldnt belive how amazing these words were, and so i kept readin...But honestly i was angry, once again... I reached verse 19, i think is was and it said "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" and this... i re-read it like 10 times, no exaggeration. I couldnt beleive how much that had struck me! I was reading something that many people had said (in different words but still!) to me and i ALWAYS shrugged it off thinking "you have to say that, your my parents, or my youth leader" or something like that... but this time God was telling me! and i couldnt shrug off! it was just so "LISTEN TO IT" i kinda cant explain it....

But anyhows, i continued reading James, past chapter one... i reached two... kept reading... three and i stopped, i got a message which kind of broke me out of a transe, i looked at the time, i knew it was late but i just had to write all of my thoughts down.... i just had too!
Well by the time i was finished it was 1-ish! Thus why i slept untill 9-30 this morning:( NOT GOOD

Anyhows, i just thought i would let you know how awsome the book of James is! Seriously, if you havent already, read it! James was really (wise, kool... dunno what word to use-you decide)

Melissa Said...

2006-07-03T00:21:00.000-12:00

Well I went to my first week of bible study tonight… It was different to what I expected, but better! Well I was almost anxious about it... Will it be weird? Will I know what to say? Will i sit there bored???
Well I am happy to say that NO It wasn’t weird, I wasn’t bored and I knew what to say about SOME of the questions asked….
Well, of course something was said that made me think…
Melissa asked Sarah to talk about her touch from god (read in her blog) and Sarah… couldn’t, should I say, and well I don’t think this is word for word, but I think this is close enough…
“if we cant explain in our trusted group... how can we expect to tell those we don’t know??” or something like we're here to share our faith, then if we cant do that, then how is our faith gonna grow bigger… ” I don’t remember exactly but it wasa along those lines.
And this kinda made me think (as everything does) well I didn’t dwell on it much.. but now that I think about it it’s a really interesting point… and while a lot of interesting points were brought up in bible study, this kinda stuck…
Well Melissa was right… If we feel uncomfortable talking about god, with those we trust and know, and those who have faith already, how can we expect to successfully tell others about god?? I don’t know… And I admit, I have had these issues before, not knowing whether or not to speak, especially when it came to prayer… the room would be silent and I wouldn’t know what to do, so I would let my mind wander, and I sat in silence, not really talking to god. However, just recently, basically since Easter I feel like I have been given the strength to overcome that ….. (Fear????) I don’t know how to describe it.
But that leads into my other struggle, I don’t really tell many people about God, I try to… but I kinda get shot down once and that almosts puts me off, a few of my school friends are not Christian but, its not that they don’t have an opinion its just that theyir opinion is so strongly against mine, that whenever religion comes up, our opinions clash. As in, Christian against anti-Christ… and well I guess I have one to many fights over it, that I have been put off talking about God in my non Christian friendships, and its weird cause I can happily, blog about, talk about, anything really about god when I am with my friends who I know share my faith, but as soon as I am with my school friends god (and I am ashamed to say it) get put in the corner and a blanket covering him… I almost hide it!
Well I guess what Melissa said really kinda shook me out of it…. I don’t know, it was kind of a realisation… a bad one, but I am hoping I can change that!!! I do want to…
Well that’s kinda all I have to say…

Knocked off my feet!

2006-06-29T00:13:00.000-12:00

Okay well I know I blog a lot! But I kinda don’t care
Well last night I really should’ve been in bed by like 10 because I had to be up by 8:30, but I couldn’t sleep! Don’t ask…

But anyhow, I was online for an hour or so and then I went to bed, BUT I couldn’t sleep! And I knew I should have because I was stuffed this morning to get out of bed…
Anyhow not the point of this blog! This blog is because something really awesome happened last night! Like I mean absolutely awesome the best thing ever lol it’s a major thing! But it’s kinda hard to explain I tried to my sis but she didn’t really get it@ (that was prob cause I was jumping up and down at 8:30 in the morning but)

Okay, I will start from the beginning…
While I was staying at a friends house a little ago, she told me of a time that god really touched her and the way she explained it I was sooooooooo envious! Like I thought about it all night! She said, and I quote “God literally knocked me of my feet” I thought bout this sooooooooo much! I mean, I don’t think I have ever felt god quite that much!

BUT!!!! Last night, I lied in bed listening to my music, as I do before bed and I just started to talk to god, time flew past, it was 3 before I knew it and I was till chatting (like a sleep over with god-that sounds weird) I was just talking to him, telling him EVERYTHING! And those I have spoke to know just how much that is! And I dunno, its really cool cause in my last blog I asked for the strength to do so, and boy did I get it! And while I couldn’t be knocked off my feet (I was in bed) I felt gods’ presence so strongly! It was one of those feelings that no one can describe! You have to have witnessed it to know, (such as galloping on a horse) But I lay there in my bed and I talked, I prayed, I thought, ect but I knew God was listening and I knew he was there!

Well I dunno how to explain it but god, “knocked me over” not literally but still!
See its kinda hard to explain! But, the last few months have been really hard on me, and I have had some really awesome people to talk to and take my mind off of it, but I hadn’t really given it to god, I mean I had spoken to him, I had prayed for his strength to guide me and that, but I hadn’t fully given EVERYTHING to God, and last night I think I did, and I felt his presence in my heart! Like majorly and I was so psyched cause I had that, I felt so privileged, I dunno, my problems are still here, and they are still very real but I feel like the burden has been lifted so much!
Okay, well if that made sense to you, then you’re really smart, but I had to tell someone! I wanted to scream it at the top of a mountain but I don’t live near any mountains so I figured I would blog about it and tell everyone to read my blog!!!
Well I better be off, I went to word again today and bought my book so I have something to read! Awesome! Well God Bless you all!

My hope for a loophole

2006-06-27T00:15:00.000-12:00

You know, I thought it was a funny joke.
But this one thing is true--
If you never accept Jesus Christ,
HELL IS WAITING FOR YOU!

This is just part of a poem I was reading the other day, the full poem talks of a teenager who said he had accepted god but with his actions turned him away. Then this child dies and is unable to enter heaven!

Well every concert I go to, basically, they ask us all one question “If you dies today would you go to heaven?” And this alone makes me think every time would i? And then I was browsing the internet and I found this poem and the whole thing is too long, but this bit seemed to make me think…

And yeah, all my blogs seem to be about someone saying something or me reading something and that making me think! BUT…
My last blog was about why do I go to church? And I had a comment from someone unknown and they say that by me thinking about it and them reading that I thought about it made them think about it and they came to similar conclusion as me (one more time… that made sense in my head) So I figure if I blog about a thought I had then maybe someone will read it and have a similar thought…. Yes its weird but then, so am I!

So my thought about this part of the poem was related to an issue I have had and of a blog of a mate. I know that we cannot rely on other people’s faith, but can others rely on ours? Can we share our faith when we all end up at heavens gate? Let me elaborate, some people don’t want to be changed, but it is my deepest desire to ‘save’ them I just don’t know how too? Two people that I used to be really close too seemed to have drifted away from me and I am continually fighting with them, and it seems that they have not, and will not get the chance to discover god and his awesome power; I know it is never too late, but I feel it could be too late soon-ish.

Someone, i really trust, suggested that these two people may be intimidated by how close my relationship with god has gotten and I feel that (once again) she is right. I just wish that I could see the path to take, the path so that I could help them. It seems that if I speak about god and what his doing in my life, and how much life improves when you are with him, I end up being yelled and screamed at, and made feel low again. My actions, while they have changed (for the better) seem to have made these people I speak of even more distant to god (well closer to Satan) and to me as well. I dunno what I can do, and using a line people say is always wrong but “im only one person” But this time I think it may be true, because I have come from many angles and it seems to be worse, I have tried to speak often of god, try to explain to them how awesome he really is, that didn’t work, so I tried the speak nothing of him, just show them, with myself and those who surround me, how awesome god is, That didn’t work. Well it hasn’t seemed to anyway. And I am not a giving up type of person, I’m really not. It is a hate of mine to give up and stop trying and I know I will never stop trying but I am out of ideas. Well, that’s my question.
Those who have chosen not to have god in their life, if it is offered can they rely on the faith of others? Is their a loophole? (Speaking as a potential lawyer). If not, what can I (only one person) do?

Now, something completely off the topic, A mate of mine recently had a really awesome quote, I have heard it before.
“Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about EVERYTHING”
I really like this, however I think I need to practice it a little more, I am constantly worrying about everything, from minor struggles to those that seem to consume my life. I just wish I had the strength to rely completely on god, and give him my all, my everything.

Okay, one more thing, yes this is really long and I am guessing if your still reading then you have nothing to do, or you actually care about my thoughts (in which case, you have earnt a hug). At church last week we sang a song ‘heart of worship’ and I have had the chorus in my head all week (yeah I know its only two days) and I went online to download it, and I found this, the lyrics analyzed.

when the music fades
and all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring something that's of worth that will bless Your heart.

[when there is no music; no guitar, no drums, no piano will you still worship God? how about when everything is taken away from you? will you go to Him with that simple, innocent childlike faith? to long to give something that’s of worth, to bless Him?]

i'll bring You more than a song
for a song in itself is not what you have required.
you search much deeper within
thru the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

[why not bring him more than a song? he's not longing for that song, but the willingness in your heart. he wants more than that song. he searches deeper within, into your heart, past the external looks and how things appear to be.]

im coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus
im sorry Lord for the things I’ve made it..
when it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus..

[the heart of worship - is to worship Him with not only your song but your life, your daily actions, words and thoughts. to lead a holy life acceptable to Him, a pleasing sacrifice unto His name. we've made worship to be all about music and songs. but it's all about one person - Jesus.]

king of endless worth
no one could express
how much You deserve
though im weak and poor
all i have is Yours, every single breath

[God's goodness is just too great to express in words. what He deserves cant be said in just one or two words. we're weak and poor but what we have is His breath of life in us, to keep us going.]

I really like this song, it also has made me think about my faith for god, and how I can make it stronger and how it can grow, and I guess time heals all wounds and makes relationships stronger.

Well I have said HEAPS!!! And, like I said if you actually read all of that then you have earnt a hug, cause that shows that either you’re really bored, or you care that much to read like two pages of all my thoughts and stuff! Yeah…

P.S. Liam, you know how to put that ‘make poverty history’ thingy in the corner, now two people have asked you, HOW DO YOU DO IT????????
Oh, and sorry for your loss (soccer):P

Catch yaz all around…

Why do i go??

2006-06-25T21:34:00.000-12:00

Well i went to daylesford with Sarah! So so so much fun, horse riding was great and the house was cute! and now i am back and i was really psyched to get home, but like i had to leave almost straight away to go to church for a 'chat' thingy what ever you call it, that was ok no main highlights or lows, but i got home after that and went on my computer and i (as i usually do) checked my blog, and my website and comments ect chatted but! i was in the biggest rush, i don’t know why but i just had this feeling that i was going to have to go out somewhere! I had no plans it was really weird and kind of freaky! (Once again that made sense in my head)

Well at the youth meeting thingy ma bob (what ever you call it) um…Liam asked Sarah if she would repeat something she had said the other night in a dif meeting and she said (my interpretation) that she was proud of us (being the youth people) because we go to church without being forced. Well I have had a few people ask me exactly why I go to church and my answer is always the same, ‘cause I do’ with a laugh and a topic changer. But the other night when Sarah said that, I went home and I actually thought about what she has said, and I though about that question…

WHY DO I GO TO CHURCH? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME??
And usually like I said I would laugh it off and put it to the back of my mind… but I didn’t this time, I couldn’t for some reason I had to think about it and well this is what I came up with.
Why do I go to church? Because church is my haven, it is my peaceful place where I feel safe, calm and at home. I have many people in which I can share fellowship and worship with, there are songs to sing, messages to be both heard and told and a cheerful crowd to be included in (this is greensy btw) But that’s not all… When I am at church I feel like I am closer to god, not because I am with others who love him but because I am with god in his house and he wants me there! There is a lot more but I won’t go to far…

Well the dictionary (that being the online dictionary) says that church is ‘The Company of all Christians regarded as a spiritual body’ I quite like this!!!! Okay well I kind of don’t know what to say about it, I just like it, A LOT! And I think it speaks for itself!

Well yeah, about my previous post, I did remember what my point was, and it was 4:04 am but I went back to sleep and then by the time I woke up I forgot so yeah that’s kind of gone and over I don’t think it will come back to that point in the near future!

Ooh and could someone tell me how people have the ‘make poverty history’ thingy in the corner of their blogs, I want one but dunno how!

Wow, this turned out longer than expected!

My point... which i forgot:)

2006-06-21T19:47:00.000-12:00

•God's answers are wiser than our prayers.
•The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement.
•The light in the eyes of him whose heart is joyful, rejoices the heart of others...
•I had rather be in hell with Christ, than be in heaven without Him
•They gave our Master a crown of thorns – Why do we hope for a crown of roses?
•God’s wounds cure, sin’s kisses kill
•Attempt great things for God, expect great things from God
•Bible--->should fill the memory, rule the heart and guide the feet.
•Either the Bible will keep you away from sin, or sin will keep you away from the Bible
These are just a few points i found on the net, well i have a blog entry on thing i dont want to remember and want to change, but these are a few things that help me and that i try to remember.

God's answers are wiser than our prayers: This i have this first because i think that it is spot on, well for me anyway, i mean i know a few wise people and i reckon some of their prayers are really wise like they are, but still can anyone be as wise as god???

well i guess that depends on your definition of wise, dictionaries struggle to give a clear meaning of the word wise, and yet as soon as you hear the word you know what it means right? but, like i read in a friends blog, you cant put it into words!

So i guess what i am saying is that i use the word wise to describe a few people i respect and look up to, but if you were to ask me for a definition i would be stumped, i would Prob say something like, "its a compliment... and then i would go on to give an example of a wise person.

Okay using something in another person’s blog, the words we use can be taken so many different ways, good, bad, nasty, joking, the list goes on.

Well the point that i am trying to make is that, I completely forgot my point! Argh I have like written this over the entire day, and now that I am trying to close at 6 I forgot!:( I did have a point and I am hoping you can gather from what I have said what it was but I have had little to no (emphasis on the NO) sleep and I am soooooo rushed so if I remember my point which I am sure will come to me at like 3 in the morning I will finish this… yh
TO BE CONTINUED

um.. yeh

2006-06-20T00:48:00.000-12:00

Okay well if you couldn’t tell i kind of felt a little low recently and well fighting with mum makes me really miss my dad, and i usually don post poems that aren’t happy but well i dunno i just thought for once i would! i dunno but yeah, i wrote this at 12:00 so its kind of clumsy…

I was only four,
I couldn’t understand,
Tis’ my heart you tore
You did it with your hand

And now im so confused
At why you wanted to die?
I am forever bruised
Not ever knowing why...

No happy memories made,
No days to think about
I really wish you’d stayed
To save me from this doubt

The day you went away
Seems like forever now
But it haunts me day to day
I will never know how…

You never ever wrote?
A letter or a card,
Not even a small note
Nothing to say good-bye.

Did I do something wrong?
Was it me who made you go?
I wasn’t there that long
To long though…

Do you realise that I pray
for something I know cant happen
I pray every single day
That you will come home

I pray for your return
I pray to see you again
I pray for me to learn
Why you caused such pain!

so yeah, thats that

unsure

2006-06-18T15:44:00.000-12:00

I have spoken, in a previous blog entry about how I felt that I had to choose between god and a close friend...
Well over the last three days I have had major, and I mean MAJOR fights with my mother, and I went to the bible for help, each and every verse tells me to “honour my mother and father, make their values yours, make their faith yours” But what if, by following their values and faith I am disobeying god in other ways?
By disobeying my parents I am disobeying god, but if I were to listen to them I would be disobeying god in a much worse way!
I don’t know what to do; I don’t know which way to turn and who to turn to! It’s crazy that parents can make their kids feel so low! I dunno, well yeh I guess that’s all I have to say, short post!

Big Sook!

2006-06-13T18:52:00.000-12:00

Ever had one of those days where nothing seems so go right? What ever could have gone wrong did? Well that was my day today! I mean big-time.
First I woke up late (like 8:10 instead of 7:00), mum and dad still asleep my sis in the shower already! Then realized my wallet is at school in my locker, meaning I have no money which means I cant catch the bus, I have to walk a 45 min walk in 10 mins, plus get ready for school!

Secondly I cleaned my room up last night, so I couldnt find my school t-shirt (yeh I no confusing) but this meant that I was wearing my school dress(cotton!!! Useless against wind)

Okay so I finally get out the door at 9:00 School starting at 9:06! And Irealizee that today with be my 10thunauthorizedd late, that means a detention! Great just what I need! Well walking usually calms me down, I had my music and I was calming down, yeh right! I then tripped over uneven concrete grazing my knee, chin and spraining my wrist! Argh could this day get any worse? Yeh I could!

I got to school only half an hour late, rushed upstairs got my books walked into accounting to discover we are doing a surprise outcome! No notes, no study and I was half an hour late! Okay so I rush my accounting work bad but I just finish, I then head to legal in the worst mood ever, wondering if I will get my exam results (legal is like most important subject as I want to be a lawyer-anxiety!!) Did i? Nope, she was absent today!
Argh! By far the worst day for a long time!!!!

Next, come my English class, we have just started a major Assignment like 6 written parts and 2 orals! And what happens? I left my book at home didnt i? With all the rush it was still on my bedside table!!!!!!!

Then came lunch and I thought I would calm down free time with my mates, but is that all I have I have to deal with? No, once again gossip has gotten hold of our year level and apparently me and a few other people got up to some interesting things over the weekend! Too bad I wasnt home all weekend and Sarah (both) can vouch for me! Argh! I am just officially sick and tired of gossip, I know I cant say much cause I do gossip, but I will complain cause I had a rotten day! I am so over people hearing stuff bout me and assuming its true, I mean some of these things are just like what I would never! and I just cracked it so bad today!

Jeepers I have had a major sook! Yeah, well that was my day and it really kinda sucked! But Im home now writing this so I guess it could have been much worse! (I say that now)

Yeah well not much else to say, just me having a sook!
Oooh wait, no there is more to say, this is good news but! I have just been told (by a reliable source) there is a youth event on the 18-19 of August with Soteria as the guests (music group from SA if you didnt know!) Well yeah, so looking forward to that now! I like received the email as I wrote this!!! OMGosh yay, soooo excited!
Well yeah, will let you know closer to the date and as I know more!

My free class....

2006-06-12T20:23:00.000-12:00

I had a spare class last period today, and i was in the library listening to music and i had the feeling that i needed to write! I write alot of poetry! its my way of releasing anger and emotions and so i wrote this last period today, itskinda a dodgy poem, the end was really rushed but this is what i finsihed with...

You have such a strong hold,
Of which you’re unaware.
I see you as so bold,
You always seem to care.

Even when I turn away,
Say and do what I know is wrong.
You never leave, you always stay,
You turn me back! Through words of song.

Where are you when needed most?
Just right there, by my side.
You never judge, you never boast,
You always there as my guide.

I’m so thankful that you’re in my life,
Cause I want it no other way.
You drive away the stress and strife,
I love you more each and every day.

I want to know you more and more,
To live with you in that holy place.
To walk right through that open door,
To be touched again, by your grace.

For this I say a single prayer,
Each and every day.
That together we an a be a pair,
To drive the sin away.

I Love You!!!

P.S. Thanks for the tip on the foto's

My baby

2006-06-12T19:33:00.000-12:00

Um just checking if his works!!!

BTW: This is my baby girl bubbles luv her to bits this is my fav pic of her!!!

Ramblings

2006-06-12T15:57:00.000-12:00

Well then, something to look forward too! Only four days of school left and then on sweet blissful holidays! No homework so far (I’m guessing that will change) yeah not much to say, um… Yeah, well I wen to riverside church last night (11th) and it was my first time staying for the entire meeting (I had to leave early to catch train last time) and I thought it was great, really good!
Oh riverside, if you don’t know is the church held at Monty high school, the greensy girls go to Monty so that how I know that, AND some really awesome people who used to go to Macleod Salvo’s are also there so I got to catch up with them as well which was really good!
Yeah, not much to say! But a question about blogging! How can I add photo’s to blog entries??? I have seen it on other blogs and I would like to know how it’s done!!!

God Vs ......

2006-06-07T22:54:00.000-12:00

Have you ever had that feeling where you had to choose between god and someone else?
As you grow closer to god you distance yourself from someone?
Well, recently I had a split with a really close friend and it seems that since then I have grown a lot closer to God! And I mean that great, the best thing in my life, like its kinda all that kept me standing and above the surface!
But obviously missing this friend makes me feel like I kinda have to choose between her and God, and I know that if she were my true friend I wouldn’t have to do that... i mean there isnt really a decision, nothing is more important to me than my relation ship with god, but like I think it’s like a sign or something?? Okay I am like confusing myself here...
People always say that god works in mysterious ways, is this one of his ways? Is this a test? What am I to do? I know I don’t want t be away from god, I want nothing of the sort I want to be closer and get to know him more, but then why do I keep getting these obstacles????
Yeah that’s my question, can you answer it?

Thinking

2006-06-06T20:41:00.000-12:00

Hello,
Well today after a really really bad night i ended up at greensy station at 8:30am and not meeting people untill 12:30pm, yeah thats five hours and nothing to do, no book, no nothing so what to do????
Well i have had alot to think about, like i mean alot!!!!
Well i kinda broke down on sunday at church and spilled my guts to melissa!
Well that, for some strange reason that kinda made me feel better and she didnt really say much it was more just confort but she asked me one question and i didnt answer it, why? cause i didnt know the answer.... its hard to explain online but it really made me think....
And so today, while i sat at greensy station for five hours i thought, and i thought and i even thought some more! yeah ALOT of thinking and alot of convo with god, and you know i still havent come to a complete conclusion as i need to kinda get exact details of the result... once again hard to explain,
Well yeh, i never really think much about my problems, i just act on them, and thats how i end up in to deep with no way out! they all kinda get worse and worse and i get deeper and deeper but today i was kinda forced to think (FIVE HOURS-trust me that felt like alot longer) and i did, alot, i wrote stuff down as well thats kinda what i do i write, poetry and stories!
Well yeh, i guess thats kinda all i have to say, there is not much more...
However i would like to thank melissa, yeh she didnt say much, but she was there, i know it sounds strange but spilling your guts to someone can really lift your load and make them not seem quite so heavy!!!
well yeh, that was my day!
byes

Exams are over! YAY:)

2006-06-05T21:05:00.000-12:00

Hello, well I did my very last exam today, lit, happy that its over I wrote 8 pages in one and a half hours, my hand was sore after that!
I don’t know all my results but I was worried about my Math’s exam, big-time! I told everyone I failed! But I didn’t, well technically I did but I am not marked as a fail. Its confusing but in short, the whole class failed so my teacher guessed that the exam was too hard and so he made the exam out of 50 not 100 and I got 40/50 not 40/100 so technically I got 90 percent! so cool!
Well my other results I don’t get until I get my report! scared but I think I did okay (that means I did badly but I am in denial) well now I have a six day weekend to look forward to and absolutely NO STUDY to do, that rocks!
Mum won’t be yelling at me "get out of bed and study" or "no you’re not going out your going to fail if you don’t study"
I can’t wait to sleep in!
Well exams are over and so I can write this without feeling guilty cause I should be studying :) Yeah, not much else to say....
However I have just realized that people actually do read my blog, kind of cool, writing everything down is my way of releasing things and so this blog happened, but people have commented and given advice, I used to think comments were bad (I got an abusive one) but now they kind of make you feel loved:)
Well yeah, I have to go and eat dinner coz mum is getting cranky!

WWJD???

2006-06-04T19:08:00.000-12:00

This morning I went to church and Liam was giving the sermon, he was talking about us acting like Jesus did, he want reminding us of the fact that Jesus dies so we could live. And that really made me think:

Have I been acting like Jesus would?
Unfortunately I have too say I haven’t, but in some aspects that really isn’t that easy, but in some aspects it is... And I am ashamed to admit it but I haven’t been acting like Jesus did, I have been acting in an opposite manner and that is really bad, I found this on the internet and its really scary because it applies to me in a bad way!

Isn't it funny that $10 seems like a lot when go to church, but so little when we go shopping?
Isn't it funny how one hour seems so long when we worship God, and so short when we watch a ballgame?
Isn't it funny how 2 hours in church seem so much longer than when we watch a movie?
Isn't it funny how when a ballgame goes into overtime we get so excited, but when a sermon Last a little longer than usual, we complain?
Isn't it funny how we find reading a whole chapter from the bible boring, but that it's easy to read 100 pages of the latest novel?
Isn't it funny how we want to sit in the front row when we go to a basketball game or theatre, but that we sit in the last rows of the church?
Isn't it funny how we need 2 or three weeks notice when there is an event to attend at the church, and how we are always available for other events or programs?
Isn't it funny how we have difficulty to learn verses of the bible, but so easy to learn and tell the latest gossip?
Isn't it funny how you’re almost never late for work but your always late for church?
Isn't it funny how we believe the newspapers, but we question God?
Isn't IT FUNNY? Are you laughing? Im, not!

I feel as though I have distanced my self from my father, and that is not something I am proud of in fact it is something i feel that I must change!

In my life I am surrounded by two types of people, the people who live with god in them, who live like Jesus did and then there are those who are living for the devil. I worry that too many of us younger and even older people are falling in with this crowd, but how can we stop it? How can I stop myself and others around me from falling in with these people, I am powerless to stop myself so how can I stop others?

I say that in some aspects it isn’t easy to do the right thing, by these I mean that sometimes it is a loose/loose situation, no matter what you do someone significant in your life is hurt deeply, but if you do nothing you are struggling with the pressure of the wrong thing on your conscience

So in life, I would like to use the motto of WWJD (What would Jesus do) but like I said is this so easy? Are we all doomed to mistakes over and over again, are we all going to be tempted for life in that the devil will get involved and his people surround us with evil action and doing things that Jesus never did? What can we do to stop it? Is god our only strength???

A few questions????

2006-05-22T18:51:00.000-12:00

Why is it that even though you know you are not alone, you know there are people you can lean on, hug, talk to, ect yet for some reason you feel completely abandoned and isolated, you feel no one will hug you, no one loves you and God? Well he is far far away; you are unworthy of his love and care? And even though you know that all you have to do is make one call and you can have a hug, all you have to do is call someone and they would talk for hours to you, and most of all you know god loves you and is always by your side you still have that feeling…

Why is it that you have everything you want? A group of the best friends ever, a close relationship to god, the internet, and iPod, a computer of your own, clothes galore, money galore and yet the one thing in the world you want but cant buy you cant have…..

Have you ever done anything you regret so deeply that it is killing you inside? You know it can’t be fixed, its way too late. You know it’s not your fault it couldn’t have been and yet still inside you feel disgusting, almost dirty even though you couldn’t stop it, you tried, it didn’t work?

Why is it that something that hurts you so deeply both physically and emotionally can wake you up inside?

The right thing... Right?

2006-05-22T18:36:00.000-12:00

Why is it that even though we know we should and we know its the right thing it still hurt soooooo much? Can that be explained? I will explain why i ask that...

Well within the last week i have lost my two brothers, two close friends and my best friend..... Why? Because my family have been fighting like crazee and now my parents have disowned my brothers... the two close friends? well that is because my brothers girlfriends i had grown close too, now their gone...

And my best friend, those who know me also know that i have been struggling with this issue with Michelle. Well last night it took its last turn... I had a really long talk with god and i really thought about everything, i though about why i was hurting? Why was she hurting? What caused us to fight? Was it worth the end of a friendship? Did it hurt that much? Is it forgivable, and unfortunately for her the answers weren’t in her favor...

So then thus this blog what can you do when you feel so guilty but its a situation that cant be fixed? When you feel like you whole life just got torn in half.

You can’t see your brothers; you can’t see your friends?? What’s left?

Why is it that the wrong thing makes you feel better than the right thing? And the right thing hurts so much more?

Its unexplainable i think....

My Queiry....

2006-05-22T18:28:00.000-12:00

Hello everyone,

I have come to a rather depressing realization,
I am a member of the Salvation Army, migrating from Macleod to greensy but anyhow, I know a lot of the girls fairly well and it shocks me to know how many girls go to church and don’t listen and don’t care. It seems as though some people go to socialize, i have nothing against these girls i still love them oh so much. But just a week ago i was talking to someone and they told m that they wrote a 'fake prayer' could someone explain to me how a prayer can be fake? I see my prayers as my conversation with my lord, how is that fake? How can that be fake??

I don’t know but it just seems to get to me those who say they have a relationship with god and say that they are his child but really they care nothing for him and have nothing to do with him. I know these people.

I am not referring to those who go to church to socialize but don’t tell people that they are Christians; i understand that not everyone in this world is a Christian i get that, but a fake prayer? Now that i doesn’t get....

Something that all should believe and know is that god loves you, and remember to...Keep your eyes on Jesus.He has plans for your life. Plans that are possibly not even on your radar. Romans 5:8.

Introducing Me

2006-05-21T21:28:00.000-12:00

Well this is a basic introducing me and why i have this blog...
Well, my name is Talia, i am 16 and i get bored often. I always want to chat but not always people online.
Well this blog is about me and what is going on in my life now.
I will also have updates of what friends i love and all that that is just me...